[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.

 

Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

 

------------

 

I told my wife that our phones were spying on us.

 

"Nonsense" she said. I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed.

[Krinal]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” 

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.

The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. 

Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” 

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?” 

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. 

“Oh yeah?” the man asked… “And where were you when I got married?”

[aum]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

 

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

 

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

 

[aum]

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

 

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

 

"Adam," replied the second.

 

"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

 

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

 

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

 

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

 

[Karlston]

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

 

Spoiler

She grounded him.

 

[ducky88]

On a bright sunny day I think, 'beer garden.'

And when it's grey and raining, I love the warmth and cosiness of the pub.

If it' snowing nothing beats sitting at home watching a good film with a few bottles of red wine.

I'm beginning to think I have a problem with the weather!!

[aum]

What do you call a wedding usher in Dublin Ireland?

An Irish sitter!

 

[aum]

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.

The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole world."

No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.

Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."

No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.

By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.

So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the ping-pong balls up to her.

She asked, "Alright, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Johnny said, "Eddie Murphy, see you Tuesday."

 

 

[aum]

Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.

Me - Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.

Boss - What time will you get here?

Me - Monday.

 

 

[aum]

Father: "Why did you fail your mathematics test?"

Son: "On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8."

Father: "So?"

Son: "On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8...

 

If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?"

 

[aum]

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.

 

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

 

"Goat," the little boy replied.

 

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

 

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

 

[aum]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

 

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

 

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

 

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

 

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

 

[aum]

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

 

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

 

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

 

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

[aum]

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

 

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 

[Krinal]

Santa was writing past tence of "I make a mistake"

Guess what he wrote ? "I was made by a mistake"

[aum]

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.”

 

 

[aum]

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. 'This,' he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.'

A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, 'Where is my father?'

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: 'Fishing off Florida.'

The smart-aleck laughed, 'Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.'

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, 'Where is my mother's husband?' Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.

After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.'

 

[PLASMA]

In  a job interview....

[ducky88]

In A Hurry A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

[aum]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

 

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

 

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."  

 

[aum]

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

 

At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss" noise. but every so often there is a "Pop!" noise.

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every tenth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

 

 

[aum]

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

 

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

 

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?   They send me a BLIND policeman!'

 

[aum]

Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne. The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.

“Aaah!” he said. “We're right over my homeland.”

“How can you tell?” asked the American.

“I can feel the cold air.” he replied.

 

A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds.

“Aah we're right over my homeland.” he said.

“How do you know that?” asked the Russian.

“I can feel the heat of the desert.”

 

Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.

“Aah, we're right over New York.” The Russian and the African were amazed.

“How do you know all of that?!” they exclaimed.

 

The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. “My watch is missing.”

 

 

[Karlston]

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

 

He described a typical day this way:

 

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 10 kilometers through some pretty rough terrain.

 

I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.

 

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

 

I avoided standing on a snake.

 

I climbed several rocky hills.

 

I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.

 

The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

 

At the end of it all I drank eight beers"

 

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man."

 

Spoiler

"No," he replied, "I'm just cr*p at golf".

 

[ducky88]

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothers me."

"Then why are you looking at me that way?"

"Well, ma'am, I'm looking at you and thinking, 'where the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?'"