[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

[aum]

My 5 year old: "Do trees poop?"

Me: "Of course they do, that’s how we get #2 pencils.

 

[Krinal]

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?"

Student : "Brotherly love".

 

 

 

 

PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?

PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

Edited January 18, 2021 by Krinal

[aum]

I have one cup of coffee every morning to start the day off right...

The other ones are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor sharp wit!

 

[aum]

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie appeared who stated, "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said, "I'd like there to be a just and lasting peace among the people in the Middle East."

The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, let them ask for sensible changes before I start writing the programs and no changes after I start."

Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

 

[aum]

"Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you for a raise."

 

"Fine," the boss replied. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one."

 

[flash13]

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3-1/2 inch floppy .... you just hoped nobody ever found out

[aum]

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married...

A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

 

[aum]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.  The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

 

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

 

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

 

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven.

 

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

 

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

 

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?

 

[aum]

"Don't swallow these pills," the doctor said, handing the overweight patient a bottle of pills.

 

"Instead, spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one by one."

 

[aum]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. "Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

 

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

 

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

 

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up and the phone was already ringing non-stop.

 

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

 

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing and getting me more than a bit annoyed.

 

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. You can imagine the stench of that mixed up perfume overload!

 

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

 

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

 

[ducky88]

A list of redneck computer terms:

.Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

[Karlston]

My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer & disinfectant....

 

Spoiler

... that when I pee I clean the toilet.

 

[aum]

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

 

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

 

The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

 

[aum]

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

 

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

 

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

 

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

 

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

 

"Well, screw him!" said John.

 

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

 

[aum]

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

 

[Karlston]

A friend used to work in the coast guard. His story of one rescue mission sticks in my memory.

 

A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where he was stationed.

 

The weather was the worst he had seen it, and one of the containers of glue had fallen from height and smashed into the hull, covering a number of the crew members in glue and knocking them overboard.

 

Luckily, they managed to cling to some nearby weather floats and watched while their ship went down, but by the time we got to them, the glue that had covered them had set, and they were stuck and unable to swim to the rescue boat. After a long struggle they eventually got them free, but it was the most difficult rescue he was ever involved with.
 

Spoiler

That was the mission that separated the men from the buoys.

 

[ducky88]

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems,

their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It’s a bug.

[aum]

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.

 

The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."

He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

 

[aum]

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

 

[aum]

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

 

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

 

Just then a guy floats by.

 

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

 

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

 

[MagicSahar]

[Rainmaker]

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady

2. Bare Belly

3. Silk Panties

4. Conscience

5. Jockey Shorts

6. Clean Sheets

7. Thighs

8. Big Johnson

9. Heavy Bosom

10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the Halfway Mark it’s Bare Belly on top.

Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish It’s Big Johnson giving everything he’s got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.

Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pulls-up.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.

// R

Edited January 21, 2021 by Rainmaker