[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

 

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

 

The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."

 

[PLASMA]

I 'm so in....to the melons....💪

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.  He looks into his small bowl.  It is empty.  "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.  He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.  "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells....

"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?  It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, and it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was also Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned it's litter box, and filled it's water and food dishes, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence....you'd better listen up and listen good....'cause I'm only gonna say this one more time.....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET !!!"

 

[Krinal]

Teacher: How old is your father?

Student: He is 6 years.

Teacher: What? How is this possible?

Student: He became father only when I was born.

[aum]

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

 

[aum]

Computers are like air conditioners.

 

They work fine until you start opening windows.

 

[aum]

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know
his wife until he marries her”

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

 

[Rainmaker]

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!”

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
 

// R

[Karlston]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

 

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

 

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

 

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

 

"Yup," replied the drunk.

 

"How' s it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

 

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

 

Spoiler

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a**hole, it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

 

[aum]

From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that."

 

[ducky88]

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So, the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So, the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So, they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

[aum]

"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?"

 

"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing.  If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."

 

 

Edited January 15, 2021 by aum

[aum]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!

 

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"

 

"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

[Karlston]

 

Coat hanger?

[aum]

"Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?"

"No, I didn't want her to think it was important enough to repeat."

 

[aum]

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

 

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

 

[aum]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied, "The rest are for your father."

 

 

 

[Karlston]

[Abacaxi]

[ducky88]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[flash13]

[aum]

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

 

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

 

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

 

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

 

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

 

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

 

[aum]

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."

They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.

 

The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.

 

Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.

 

The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".

 

 

[Karlston]