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[JOTD] Joke of the day


rudrax

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Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.

 

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Johnny wanted to get his mom something nice for Christmas but she’s hard to shop for. Passing a pet store, he thought, "Hmm, a pet might be a good idea." He walked in the pet store and asked the manager what might be a good idea. "How about a puppy?" "No," said Johnny. "It may poop around the house." "A fish?" "No, her house is small, so I don’t think an aquarium will fit." Johnny then spied a parrot and asked, "How about that parrot?" "Oh," said the manager, "That’s Chet. He’s very expensive." "Well," said Johnny, "It’s my mom let’s take a look." The manager went to Chet, put a lighter under his left wing, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells..." Then the manager put a lighter under Chet’s right wig and it started to sing, "Dashing through the snow..." "Wow!" said Johnny, "What else does he sing?" The manager held the lighter under Chet’s crotch at which point Chet sang, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

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After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

 

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

 

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

 

The clerk handed him a mirror.

 

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One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

 

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

 

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a pen.s. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

 

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

 

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

 

 

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News Correspondent: Why did you flee from the police and start a dangerous car chase that caused multiple wrecks along the M-44 motorway?


Prisoner: Well you see ma'am, my buddy and me were talking and he runs a towing company. He said business had been really slow lately. He told me if I could wreck at least 15 cars he could get me free room and board, 3 free meals a day, and I wouldn't have to work another day in my life.

 

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It’s a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, “Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu.”
Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!” said Rosita.
Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Pedro begged.
“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.” replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.”
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, “OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu.”
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.
“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”

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The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read "Best Deals".


He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading "Lowest Prices".


The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... "Main Entrance".

 

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A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"


"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."


"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."


"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."


"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.


The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

 

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One day a man called the church office and said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

 

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?

 

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

 

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

 

To this, the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the church building fund . . ."

 

To this, the secretary quickly responded, "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

 

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A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!" 

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores.

Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...... 

 

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

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The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus

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Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."


"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

 

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When all's said and done it's been an impressive show from both US Presidential election candidates

 

Spoiler

Who would have thought two blokes in their 70s could maintain an election for this long?

 

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