[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

I had the rudest, slowest, and nastiest cashier today...

That’s the last time I use the self checkout lane!

 

[aum]

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles.

"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States."

"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada."

 

[Karlston]

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.

 

Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

 

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, ...

 

Spoiler

"That would be defeeting the porpoise."

 

[Dce3480]

Adguard VPN is a  

Edited December 24, 2020 by Dce3480
No Animals were Hurt..! =)

[Akaneharuka]

[aum]

Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon.

Later he came home with the pizza and the coupon.

When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

 

[Abacaxi]

Edited December 23, 2020 by Abacaxi

[Abacaxi]

 

Somebody stole my microsoft office and they're going to pay - you have my Word !!

[ducky88]

Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"
Student: "A heart attack."

[Karlston]

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 8:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

[Karlston]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

 

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

 

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

 

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

 

Spoiler

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[Arachnoid]

12 hours ago, Abacaxi said:

 

Somebody stole my microsoft office and they're going to pay - you have my Word !!

They excel at that

[scarabou]

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.
The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

[Karlston]

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
 

Spoiler

Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

 

[aum]

Some media outlets produce twice as much crap as normal.

 

Especially when they're biassed.

 

[aum]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."

 

[ducky88]

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

[Krinal]

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

[Arachnoid]

23 hours ago, scarabou said:

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.
The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

 

Do you know a Christmas tree is the only fake legally allowed to be sold in stores

[aum]

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, he asked her the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my text?"

 

[aum]

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.

"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.

Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Brad, open the newspaper to page 31."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"

"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"

"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"

"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."

"Why? What's that story on?"

"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues...

Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"

 

[aum]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

 

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

 

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

 

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

 

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

 

[aum]

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

 

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

 

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."

 

[Karlston]

[Krinal]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. 

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." 

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.