[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"

The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."

 

[aum]

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

 

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

 

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

 

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

 

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

 

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

 

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

 

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

 

[Karlston]

 

[aum]

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

 

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"

 

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, "I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later."

 

[Krinal]

Buy a Mac I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac. 

I was against it and an argument started. 

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac. 

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?" 

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs.":p

[scarabou]

[aum]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

 

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

 

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."

 

The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"

 

The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"

 

[Karlston]

[scarabou]

Edited November 21, 2020 by scarabou

[Krinal]

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one. 

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.     

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?     

The man replies, Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there.

I drink until she looks good, then I go home.

[scarabou]

Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands?

Now, every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.

[aum]

When do we congratulate someone for their mistake?

On their Wedding Day!

 

[aum]

One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

 

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

 

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

 

"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.

 

[aum]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

 

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

 

[flash13]

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[Karlston]

After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us to a party.
 

Spoiler

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

 

----------

 

A couple is on their honeymoon in the Caribbean, and they go into a shop so the husband can get his ear pierced.

 

They walk up to the counter, and the husband says, "I'd like to get my ear pierced to celebrate our honeymoon! How much will that cost?"

 

The shopkeeper replies, "It'll be $20, plus the cost of the earring you get. If that works for you, you can go pick out the earring while I set up to pierce your ear."

 

The couple wanders off to look through the options, when another guy walks in. He's dressed in shabby clothes, has a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, multiple piercings, and a sword slung at his waist. He walks up to the counter and asks "Yar, I think it be time to get another set of holes in me ears. How much be it for both?"

 

The proprietor responds, "That'll be $2."

 

The pirate walks away to go find just the right pair of earrings to match up with his existing jewelry.

 

Hearing this, the couple comes back up to the counter and the husband says to the shopkeeper, "Hey, what's the deal? You're charging me $20 for one ear, but that other guy gets both ears for just $2?"

 

Spoiler

The shopkeeper replies, "Well, he's a buccaneer..."

 

[Krinal]

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.

So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. 

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.

She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,  "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals." 

One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you.

What is the capital of Nevada?" 

"N", she answered.

[lurch234]

[scarabou]

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you’ll rise and shine!

[aum]

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

 

[Karlston]

Don’t let them take the temperature of your forehead as you enter the supermarket.

 

It’s a government plot to erase your memory.

 

I went in for a bottle of milk and a loaf of bread. I came out with a case of beer and a cask of wine.

 

--------------

 

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt.

[ducky88]

A Perfect Marriage?
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

 

[MagicSahar]

[Akaneharuka]

[Krinal]

Man outside phone booth: "Excuse me you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven‘t spoken a word".

Man inside: "I am talking to my wife"

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Pappu: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day!

Dad: What role are you playing? Pappu:

A husband!

Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!