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[JOTD] Joke of the day


rudrax

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Logic, eh?:

 

Woman: do you drink beer?


Man: yes

 

Woman: how many beers a day?


Man: usually about three

 

Woman: how much do you pay per beer?


Man:$5.00 which includes a tip

 

Woman: and how long have you been drinking?

 

 Man: about 20 years, I suppose

 

Woman: so a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at about $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?


Man: correct

 

Woman: if in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?


Man: correct

 

Woman: do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

 

Man: do you drink beer?


Woman: no.

 

Man: where is your airplane?

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An actor had been out of work for years because he always forgot his lines. One day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for an important part in a play.  All the actor had to say was, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar!"


Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!"

 

The time for the entrance finally came. As the actor made his appearance onstage, he heard a loud BOOOOM! He turned around and said, “What the heck was that?”

 

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Santa at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call Modern art?

Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!

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A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."


By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."

 

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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.


He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."


The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

 

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A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

 

"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.

"No I did not," the doctor said.

 

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

 

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

 

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It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.


She'll be happy to know I got the hint.


I got her a magazine rack!

 

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

 

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

 

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.

 

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

 

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"

 

The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

 

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"

 

She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

 

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It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.


"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."


"Okay," says the butcher, "let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.


"That one is too skinny. What else have you got?" says the man.


The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.


"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You'd better give me both of them!"

 

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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,”Are there any gators around here?”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years.”

“Feeling Safe”, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,”How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do anything,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ‘em.”

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