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[JOTD] Joke of the day

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A girl yells at her boyfriend, “That’s it, Henry, we’re through!”

“What? You want to break up? Why?”

“I’m sick of you constantly laughing at my weight!” 

“Ah darling, please, don’t be like that! Come here, grab these two chairs for yourself, let’s sit down and talk it out.”

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Lost in translation....

An old lady comes in for her medical check-up: “Doctor Ribbit, you remember how you warned me that I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as I can?”

“Yes,” agrees the doctor, “the last X-rays made that very clear Mrs. Jenkins.”

“You know, I’m not sure it was such a great idea doctor... I have to say all that climbing up and down the rainwater downpipe is becoming quite hard!”


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This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.


The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."


So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.


So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.


The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.


The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."


Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?


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A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?†The kid responds, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"

"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"


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There Was A Party & The Host Was Getting Worried  Because There Were Too Many People And Not Enough Refreshments. 

Host Wasn’t Sure If All Of Them Were Invited Or Not. 

Then He Got An Idea. 

He Turned To Guests & Said: “Will All Those From The Bride Side Of The Family Please Stand Up?” 

About 20 People Stood. 

Then He Asked: “And From Groom’s Side?” 

About 25 More People Stood. 

Then He Smiled & Said: “Will All Those Who Stood Please Leave, This Is A Birthday Party”

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An Angry Wife To Her Husband On Phone: “Where The Hell Are You?” 

Husband: “Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace And Totally Fell In Love With It & I Didn’t Have Money That Time & I Said Baby It’ll Be Yours One Day” 

Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: “Yeah, I Remember That My Love” 

Husband: “I’m In The Barber Shop Just Next To That Shop“

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