[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

 

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

 

[aum]

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
 

[aum]

Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.

The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/

[Karlston]

[aum]

My dad walked me down the aisle at my third wedding.

He said, “I keep giving you away... and they keep giving you back!”
 

[aum]

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.

"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.

"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is make love, I can't take it anymore."

"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.

As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her.

"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."

"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."

The wife began walking to the bedroom.

"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"

 

[Karlston]

[morfeus18]

Clever use of small space

 

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.

Finally, a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet--one that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends."

So should I congratulate you? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
 

[aum]

Xenophobic vampires are foreign neck haters.
 

[aum]

“In some large stores it is now illegal to buy more than one package of toilet paper.

The police have named it 'The Big Crack Down'.”
 

[aum]

After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic.

 

And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"
 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Thoughts To Ponder:

1. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

2. Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

3. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

4. What disease did cured ham actually have?

5. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

6. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

7. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

8. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

9. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

10. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

 

Edited May 27, 2020 by aum

[aum]

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"
 

[aum]

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."

His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He feel silent, and she continued,

"You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will NOT ask for directions."
 

[PLASMA]

Trial Or Cracked....?

[Karlston]

[aum]

Interviewer: Your asking for a pretty high salary for someone without any experience.

Interviewee: Well, this job is going to be super hard since I don't know what I'm doing.
 

[aum]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
 

[aum]

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. So what are your plans? The father asks the young man. I am a Torah scholar. He says. A Torah scholar, Hmmm, the father says. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to? I will study, the young man said, and God will provide for us.

And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asks the father. I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replies, God will provide for us.

And children? asks the father. How will you support children? Don't worry, sir, God will provide, replies the fiancé.

The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, How did it go, Honey? The father answers, He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God
 

[aum]

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."

 

The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.

 

Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
 

[aum]

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."
 

[aum]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.

 

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies.

 

"So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

 

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

 

The owner replies, "He's such a f*cking liar."