[JOTD] Joke of the day

[child]

Judge hearing a divorce case

Judge to husband: why you want to divorce your wife?

hus: im not satisfied with her on bed

judge to wife: wat u have to say about this??

wife: whole colony is satisfied only this bastard has got problems.

[child]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says,

"Error. Not long enough."

[child]

“A small boy asks his Dad,

"Daddy, what is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.

Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,

so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,

he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father,

"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies,

"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,

the Government is sound asleep,

the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

[child]

“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention,

so she asks him,

"If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?"

Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking."

Then Johnny asks the teacher,

"You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor.

One is licking her ice cream,

one is sucking her ice cream,

and one is biting her ice cream.

Which one is married?"

And the teacher responds,

"The one sucking her ice cream."

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!”

[child]

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one,

Michael J. Fox has a small one,

Madonna doesn't have one,

The Pope has one but doesn't use it,

Dominique Strauss-Khan uses his all the time.

What is it.....?

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A last name! And shame on you for thinking it was something else.”

[child]

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?

A: A towel.

[child]

Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Forget it once!

[Astron]

[Astron]

ANOTHER MIRACLE HAPPENED...

[Astron]

THE DRUNK AND YOUR "FRIENDS"

[Astron]

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

[Astron]

THE JOKE IS OLD, YET STILL CURRENT...

[Astron]

[Astron]

THE MOST ACCEPTED THEORY FOR THE BEGINNING OF EVERYTHING. "THE UNIVERSE WAS BORN FROM AN EGG".

[Astron]

BRAIN HEALTHY AND YOUNG

Edited June 16, 2014 by Astron

[knowledge-Spammer]

When your girl isn't in the mood.

[Dodel]

Ok, these are not 'technically' jokes in their own right, but it's darwinism @ work :)

[knowledge-Spammer]

:lol:

Edited June 17, 2014 by knowledge

[iih1]

Thanks dodel, :D

[Astron]

[Astron]

[Astron]

[JohnJenkins]

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

[Chancer]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

DISCLAIMER: No children were hurt in the making of this joke. This story is fictional. Any similarities to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.

[Herobrine]

I’m waiting to hear ones about Luis Suarez and his 'bite' against Italy I’m sure there’s some out there ... Personally I think he just mistook the player for an Italian Pizza :D nothing wrong with that he was just hungry...