[JOTD] Joke of the day

[malan]

 

 

Ring the bell, get a treato

 

( https://www.instagram.com/jadethesablegsd/reel/CpnOZDFM84K/ )

 

Edited April 30 by malan

[Dce3480]

[Karlston]

[Dce3480]

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

 

[aum]

As I watched my dog chasing his tail, I thought how easily dogs are amused.

Then, I thought how easily amused I am watching my dog chase his tail.

 

[aum]

Guy walks into bar, pulling on a long chain.

The bartender asks him, "You come in here everyday pulling that chain, why?"

The guy replies, "You ever tried to push one?"

 

[aum]

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

 

[aum]

Dear 3 Am, We've got to stop meeting this way. I'd much rather sleep with you.

 

 

[aum]

An elderly man and his wife, vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years.

"This is the lake where I learned how to swim when I was a small boy," the husband said. "My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim."

"That was a cruel thing for your father to do," the wife said. "How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim."

"Not really," replied the husband. "Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!"

 

[aum]

Doctor: "Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?"

Patient: “Good new please!”

Doctor: “Well, we’re naming a disease after you!”

 

[aum]

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[Dce3480]

[haris_sane69]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[aum]

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent!

Unless the job is a statistician!

 

[aum]

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”

Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.

The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”

 

[aum]

1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal .
11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?
13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

 

[aum]

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

 

[aum]

Three nurses sadly pass away. They rise up into heaven, and there they approach the gatekeeper to plead their case for entering paradise.

So the keeper points to the first nurse, who says: “I worked in an emergency room. I treated many people, and always did my best to help. And although sometimes we would lose patients, I still think I deserve to enter.”
The gatekeeper glances at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse then says, “I used to work in the operating room, assisting surgeons. It was a lot of stress, and we lost many people, but I always did my best.”
The keeper glances at her file and motions her to enter.

“And you?” He asks the third nurse.
“I was a case manager for an HMO. I worked with thousands of patients.”
The gatekeeper takes a long and careful look at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts entering digits quickly, looking back from time to time at the woman’s file. After a few minutes like this, the keeper looks up, smiles at her and says:

 

“Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven -- for five days!”

 

[aum]

She: "Sweetheart, what's your gift for our 25th anniversary?"

He: "A trip to Thailand."

She: "That's amazing! And what about when we hit our 50th anniversary?" she asked.

 

He: "That's when I come back to get you."

 

Edited May 5 by aum