aum Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature. "Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?" ducky88, Karlston and vitorio 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitorio Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 (edited) Money makes the world go around! Edited November 5, 2022 by vitorio Karlston, aum and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The gorilla roared, “Who is the king of the jungle?” And the deer replied, “Oh, you are, Master.” The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The gorilla roared, “Who is the king of the jungle?” The zebra replied, “Oh, you are, Master.” The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. “Who is the king of the jungle?” he roared. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, “Okay, okay, there’s no need to get mad just because you don’t know the answer.” Karlston and vitorio 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 You know you're ugly when... it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera. Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model... They hired me as the "before" picture. Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 He sits down and orders a drink. After he finishes it, he takes out a picture and looks at it for a couple minutes before putting it away and ordering another drink. He repeats this a few times always looking at the picture in between drinks. The bartender gets curious and says "Man I have to know, what picture are you looking at?" The man says "Oh, it's just my wife. I don't go home until she's pretty!" Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 A guy sat next to me on the train today and pulled out a picture of his girlfriend. He said ain't she beautiful? I told him if you think she's beautiful you should see my wife. Why? Is she a stunner as well? No she's an optician Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 years and I had no idea that he was a mechanic! Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn." Karlston and TrojanK 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 A Roman centurian walks into a bar And says to the barman "I'd like a Martinus, please" The barman says "don't you mean a Martini?" And the centurion snaps "if I wanted a double I would have asked for one" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 Husband: Shall we have a nice weekend? Wife: Sure, why not? Husband: Ok then, see you on Monday! TrojanK 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 Tom: "Hey buddy, howya do...whoa! who gave you that black eye? Sam: "My wife" Tom: "I thought she was out of town for the weekend." Sam: "So did I." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex... so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread, said the wife. "Why?" asked the husband, don't we have a vase? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 Valentines special! $500.00 We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday. It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend. We come in full police uniforms and blue lights. danielson 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 Guy walks into work Monday morning with a black eye His friend says to him, "What happened this weekend?" Guy says, "I pulled a groin." Friend says, "Pulled a groin? Why the black eye?" Guy says, "It wasn't mine... it was someone else's." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her. He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester. ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge, I just can't take it anymore. Every night she's out until way after midnight, going from bar to bar. The judge asks, What's she doing? The guy answers, Looking for me. funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 A couple is driving on a highway when she says, I want a divorce. The man doesn't say anything, except speeds up the car. I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you. The man doesn't say anything except speeds up the car. I want the house, the bank account, kids, and the dog. The man doesn't say anything excepts speeds up the car. She says, Are you listening to me? Don't you want anything? The man replies, No, I have everything I need. Oh? And what's that? Right before the car rams into a wall, he says, The airbag. funkyy, Disco Bob, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick. "Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?" The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here." The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick. "Ow!" says the passenger. "What you do that for?" The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true." "What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy. "Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy asshole would've tried that s**t with me!" pc71520 and aum 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 -What do you call Batman and Robin after a Steamroller went over them? Flatman and Ribbon. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up. I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part." funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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