[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Akaneharuka]

Don’t worry the situation is under control !

 

 

 

 

 

 

This has gone too far !

 

 

 

[aum]

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone had commited adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalk in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the Mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week!"

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

An old man crashes his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says "give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!"

The old man replies, "Woah wait buddy. I don't have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins."

The old man dials his son as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone  out of his hand

and says "so you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring  me $10,000 or I'm going to beat the heck out of him and you!"

The son answers "Okay, give me 15 minutes and I'll be there." In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a jeep, ten men jump out and beat the heck out of the expensive car owner.

 

Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says "Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins"

[pc71520]

I’m on a whiskey diet.

I’ve lost three days already.

[aum]

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies Mitch noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of one horse lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse--a very long shot--won the race.

 

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest stepped onto the track again. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate, the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one horse. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued, the priest kept blessing long-shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the priest's blessing to tell him which horse to bet on.

 

True to his habit, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched, dumbfounded, as the old nag come in dead last.

 

Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, “Father! What happened? All day long, you blessed horses and they all won. Then, in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings--all of it!”

 

The priest nodded wisely and, with sympathy, said, “Son, that's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.”

 

[aum]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put it on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.

This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

 

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

 

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
 

[aum]

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

 

[aum]

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.

 

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

 

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg.

 

Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth.

[aum]

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[Karlston]

An interesting solution to catalytic converter theft

[pc71520]

How did the man burn 800 calories in the morning easily?

He forgot his pizza inside his oven.

[aum]

[aum]

[lurch234]

18+  Or maybe it's just a ploy to get you to look

 

Spoiler

 

[ducky88]

My neighbors just banged on the wall at 4:30 am, can you believe that?

Luckily, I was still up playing music.

He banged again and shouted “can we have a little respect please?”

So, I shouted back “I’m not a big Aretha Franklin fan, but OK this one is for you.”

[pc71520]

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

 

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender.

“We don’t serve your type.”

[aum]

Husband: "I want to tattoo your name on me. What do you think, shall I do it on my arm or neck?"

 

Wife: "How about on your will?"
 

[aum]

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"

 

[aum]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed. Skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 

[aum]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink.

 

The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"

He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."