[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Krinal]

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?

Husband: A lovely Push... and life goes on........

[ducky88]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long." Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there.”
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but
I am William...
This little sh*t’s name is Kevin.”

[Karlston]

[Krinal]

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?

Student: H I J K L M N O.

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Student: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

[PLASMA]

👌

[aum]

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.

 

"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."

 

"No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."

 

"But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"

 

 

[aum]

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.

 

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell.

 

He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

 

[aum]

My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl...

I said I didn’t know he could!

 

[ducky88]

Sister Mary burst into the principal's office and cried, "Father, just wait until you hear this!"

"Calm down, Sister Mary. Now tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father, I was on my way to chapel when I heard some of the older boys wagering!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what made me so excited, Father. It was what they were wagering on! They were betting to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!"

"Incredible!!!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

She said, "Father, I hit the ceiling!"

He mused, "So how much did you win?"

[aum]

Good news, the Lego store has reopened...

People are lined up for blocks!

 

[aum]

In order to pay his medical school tuition, a student was working two jobs over the summer.

 

One was as a butcher's assistant and the other as a hospital orderly, both jobs that required the young man wear a long white coat.

One night he was wheeling a woman into surgery when she sat up suddenly, looked him in the eye, and screamed, "God save me! It's the butcher!"

 

 

 

Edited February 19, 2021 by aum

[Karlston]

Just overheard a guy in the auto parts shop asking if they sell longer dipsticks, because his doesn't reach the oil any more.

[ducky88]

Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

He suddenly said, 'Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.'

'Now why would you want me to do something like that?' Mary asked.

'I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other arsehole using my stuff...'

'What makes you think I'd marry another arsehole?"

[aum]

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

 

[aum]

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town.

When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.

"I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."

 

 

 

 

Edited February 21, 2021 by aum

[Karlston]

Here are the real laws of nature . . . .

 

Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 

Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

 

Supermarket Law – As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

 

Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

 

Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

Law of the Theatre & Football Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

Murphy's Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 

Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

Doctors' Law – If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[ducky88]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

[Karlston]

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

 

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

 

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million.”

 

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and, three weeks later...

 

Spoiler

... she became his stepmother.

 

[aum]

Pupil: Please Miss, would you punish someone for something they didn't do?

Teacher: No, Of course not!!

Pupil: Oh good, Because i haven't done my homework!!!

 

[Karlston]

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar

 

Spoiler

The barman said "Not U2 again"

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Two nuns went to shop at the market. They were taking so long so one said

- Sister Mary it is getting dark and we are so far away from the convent.
- I know Sister Rose but there is a man following us.
- Oh! What does he want.
- To rape us.
- What can we do.
- Let's separate You go left and I will go right.
- He followed Sister Rose.
- Sister Mary reached the convent and was worried.
- After an hour Sister Rose appeared.
- What happed?
- I started to run and so did he.
- And then?
- He caught up with me.
- Oh my God. And what did you do.
- I lifted up my dress.
- Sister! And what did he do.
- Dropped his pants.
- And then?
- Its obvious isn't it.

- A nun with her dress lifted up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

[realaxis2010]

🤪

[realaxis2010]

2 minutes ago, realaxis2010 said:

🤪

When you're a combination of all three: 

not sure if i'm Hungover, Dead or Hungry 🤣

 

 

[ducky88]

Earl feared his wife Maxine wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to get a better idea about her hearing loss.

“Here’s what you do,” said the doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, Maxine was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

So in a normal tone he asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No response.

So Earl moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeated, “Maxine, what’s for dinner?” Still no response.

Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again, he got no response.

So, Earl walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Once more, there was no response.

He walked right up behind her. “Maxine, what’s for dinner?”

“Damn it, Earl, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!”