[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Dce3480]

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."

 

[aum]

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."

I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"
 

[Krinal]

Once a doctor with knife in hand was running behind a patient…

People asked: what happend Doctor?

Doctor: Its 4th time he came for brain operation, and after hair cut he ran away…

[scarabou]

[Karlston]

A sandwich walks into a bar and say to the bartender, "I'll have a beer thanks."

 

Spoiler

Bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

 

-------------

 

An engineer is walking along one day when his engineer friend pulls up next to him on a ladies bike.

 

He asks him, where did you get the bike? And he responds, "this hot blonde lady was riding it. She stopped right next to me, tore off all her clothes and said I could have anything I wanted!"

 

Spoiler

And the guy responds, "good choice. The clothes wouldn't fit you anyway."

 

[aum]

In February, 2021, a man goes to the White House to see D..... T..... He is told by the Marine on duty that T.... is no longer president and that he no longer resides there. Three days in a row the man returns to see T.... and each time the same Marine tells him T.... is no longer president.

 

On the fourth day, the Marine finally asks the man why he keeps coming back asking for T.... when he already knows the answer. The man replies, “I just love hearing you tell me T.... is no longer the president.” The Marine snaps to attention, salutes and says, “See you tomorrow, sir!”

 

Edited November 28, 2020 by aum

[ducky88]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has   passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"   "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

[scarabou]

Health secretary in a briefing to D.T.: "Sir, in Chennai, India, 36 Tamillians have been killed due to Corona Virus"

D. T. is silent. His lips quiver. His hands shiver. His eyes wells up. He is unable to speak.

Health secretary is stunned. He never imagined that this event could affect him so badly.

After a few minutes, in a trembling voice, D. T. asks "So, how many millions are there in one tamillion?

 

[Krinal]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half of an hour.  Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." 

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."  "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[aum]

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good?

 

Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

 

 

 

Edited November 30, 2020 by aum

[Karlston]

Three women are on a girls' night out. After a few drinks to loosen their lips, they begin talking about their love lives.

 

"My husband is an architect. When we make love it has form and structure."

 

"My husband is an artist. When we make love it has passion and meaning."

 

"Hah. My husband works for Microsoft...

 

Spoiler

All he does is sit on the end of the bed and tell me how GREAT it's going to be when it gets here."

 

[ducky88]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance!?"  
God replied, "My child, I am sorry, I didn't even recognize you!"

 

[aum]

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.

His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.

"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."

"That's from your grandma," said Josh.

 

Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/

[Krinal]

Height of misunderstanding:

A man married his own secretary thinking that she will still follow his orders as before !!

[ducky88]

A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

[aum]

Al: When was your son born?

Sam: In March, he came the first of the month.

Al: Is that why you named him "Bill"?

 

[Karlston]

A mobile phone in the changing room at a gym rings and the man sitting next to it puts it on loud speaker … everyone else in the room stops to listen:

 

Man : Hello?

 

Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the gym?

 

Man : Yes.

 

Woman : I’m out shopping and found a great leather coat. It’s only $1,000 – is it OK if I buy it?

 

Man : Sure, go for it if you like it that much.

 

Woman : I also stopped by that new Mercedes dealership and saw one of the new models I really like and it's the right colour – it’s on an opening special.

 

Man : How much?

 

Woman : $95,000.

 

Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

 

Woman : Great! Oh, and another thing … I was just talking to Robert at the Real Estate Agents and the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they want $1.2 M for it. It was over $1.5 M before

 

Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $1.1 M and they’ll probably agree. If not, we can go to the extra 100K if that’s what you really want.

 

Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much, rush home!

 

Man : I love you too.

 

(The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.)

 

The man turns around and says :

Spoiler

“Anyone know whose phone this is...?”

 

[ducky88]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[Krinal]

Wife: Today, I want to relax, So I have brought three movie tickets.

Husband: why three tickets?

Wife: you and your parents.

Edited December 2, 2020 by Rajeshl

[Krinal]

A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.     

COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"    

GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"    

COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."    

GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"    

The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy.    

COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?

[Karlston]

Statistics can be misleading.

 

For example, 5 out of 6 people think Russian roulette is perfectly safe.

[scarabou]

Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each.

[Krinal]

Wife: "Darling Let's Enjoy our Saturday and Sunday"!

Husband: "Good Idea!, Let's meet on Monday....!"