[JOTD] Joke of the day

[flash13]

[Krinal]

Wife asks her husband: “Did you like the dinner today?“

Husband replies: “Really, Shirley? Why are you always trying to pick a fight?” 

[aum]

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

 

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

 

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

 

"What happened to 'beautiful?'" she asked him.

 

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

 

[flash13]

[Karlston]

[flash13]

 

[mp68terr]

B&W tv.

[Krinal]

Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?” 

“No, how?” 

“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

[aum]

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

 

As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

 

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. Again, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either!"

 

[aum]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

 

[aum]

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!"

[flash13]

[Karlston]

[flash13]

[aum]

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

 

[flash13]

[Krinal]

An old lady always travels the same route on a bus. Over time, she became friendly with the driver and she’d always bring him a nice little bag of peanuts.

The bus driver was enjoying the nuts at first, but after a few days he said to the lady, “Come on, Mrs. Bilker, it’s really nice of you, I’m loving the peanuts, but please stop bringing me so much, have some for yourself.”

“Ah, no bother young man,” laughs the old lady, “I don’t have my teeth anymore, I couldn’t eat them even if I wanted to. But I’m crazy mad for the yummy chocolate they always come coated with!”

 

[Rainmaker]

 

// R

[flash13]

[Krinal]

A girl yells at her boyfriend, “That’s it, Henry, we’re through!”

“What? You want to break up? Why?”

“I’m sick of you constantly laughing at my weight!” 

“Ah darling, please, don’t be like that! Come here, grab these two chairs for yourself, let’s sit down and talk it out.”

[Karlston]

[Krinal]

An old lady comes in for her medical check-up: “Doctor Ribbit, you remember how you warned me that I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as I can?”

“Yes,” agrees the doctor, “the last X-rays made that very clear Mrs. Jenkins.”

“You know, I’m not sure it was such a great idea doctor... I have to say all that climbing up and down the rainwater downpipe is becoming quite hard!”

Source

[Karlston]

[aum]

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

 

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

 

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

 

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

 

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

 

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

 

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

 

Edited August 27, 2020 by aum

[aum]

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?†The kid responds, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$101,237.65."

"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"

"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"