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[JOTD] Joke of the day


rudrax

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9 minutes ago, PLASMA said:

Mois Jet Power ☣️

1lkafq.jpg

 

That's my nephew finishing third place after the pork&beans eating contest in Quebec city...

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At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'


The woman wrote: "When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Sam and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another."


And Sam wrote: "I love sex."
 

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An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags.

Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

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Two Rules Of A Man’s Life: 

1. They Never Flirt With Any Unknown Lady. 

2. They Never Consider Any Lady Unknown. 

 

Two Rules Of A Women’s Life: 

1. They Flirt By Showing They Are Serious About You. 

2. They Never Consider Anyone Seriously.

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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."


"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"


The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."
 

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A Man’s Feeling. 

It Feels Like A Mini Heart Attack,  When I Don’t Find My Mobile In My Pocket. 

 

&

 

It’s Almost Like Heart Fail,  When I See It In My Girlfriend’s Hand.

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Reporter: What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?


Boy: I had to do it. He had my skates on.

 

Edited by aum
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A couple had been married for 35 years, and the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.

The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.

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I bought a world map. I gave my wife a set of darts and told her to throw it at the map to see where we'd go for our holidays.

 

Spoiler

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

 

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I asked my doctor today how long he thought this COVID thing will last...


He said, “How should I know, I’m a doctor not a politician.”
 

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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
 

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So I was in the supermarket and there was a guy with 2 trolley loads of toilet paper, hand sanitiser & paper towels. I said to him " I hope you're proud of yourself, taking all these goods whilst there are people trying to live within their means"

 

Spoiler

He replied, "when you've quite finished sir I'd like to continue my job stacking the shelves"

 

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A couple had been married 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. She wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.


One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with her dress.


She replied, "Silver."


At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep, silver... to match her hair."


Shooting a glaring look at his bald spot, her friend shot back, "So I guess you're going barefoot."

 

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There Are Basically 7 Types Of Girls… 

1. Hard Disk Girls: Remember Everything Forever. 

2. Ram Girls: Forgets About You The Moment You Turn Her Off. 

3. Screen Saver Girls: Just For Looking.  4. Internet Girls: Difficult To Access. 

5. Server Girls: Always Busy When Needed. 

6. Multimedia Girls: Makes Horrible Things Looks Beautiful. 

7. Virus Girls: These Type Of Girls Are Normally Called Wife Once Enters In Your System Don’t Leave Even After Format.

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Son:- "Dad, Can You Write In The Dark?"

Dad:- "I Think So. What Is It You Want Me To Write?"

Son:- "Your Name On This Report Card."

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