[JOTD] Joke of the day

May 5

1. Why did the crab never share?

Because he’s shellfish.

2. Did you hear the rumour about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it!

3. What do you call a man who can’t stand?
Neil.

4. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.
It’s a total rip-off!

5. Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut.

6. I keep trying to lose weight...
but it keeps finding me.

7. What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear!

8. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.

9. You know what the loudest pet you can get is?
A trumpet.

10. Why can’t T-Rexs clap their hands?
Because they are extinct.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day...
but I couldn’t find any.

12. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.

13. Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time-consuming.

14. What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.

15. What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!

16. How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.

17. I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.

18. Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

19. Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.

20. What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.

21.Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired

22.Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.

May 5

An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her.
"So," he says, "Do I come here often?"

What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.

I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together.
They lived to a ripe old age.

What’s the best part of old age?
That it doesn’t last very long.

These are not gray hairs! They are wisdom highlights.

Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
It Depends.

Old age makes us great multi-taskers.
I can sneeze and pee at the same time!

What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.

One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends,
because they can’t remember them!

Age is an issue of mind over matter.

If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter.

Why do old people love English muffins so much?
All the nooks and grannies.

How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night.

Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me.
My knees, my back, my neck ...

I’ve decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30!

What goes up but never comes down?

Your age.

I called the incontinence hotline recently.
They asked if I could hold.

Of all your children, the only one who won’t grow up and move away is
your husband.

May 5

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are living in Florida and are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

“Are you the owner”?

The Pharmacist answers, “Yes”.

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication”?

Pharmacist: “Of course we do”.

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation”?

Pharmacist: “All kinds”.

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism”?

Pharmacist: “Definitely”.

Jacob: “How about suppositories”?

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s”?

Pharmacist: “Yes. a large variety; the works”.

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease”?

Pharmacist: “Absolutely”.

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion”?

Pharmacist: “We sure do”.

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes”?

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes”.

Jacob: ” Senior Citizen diapers?

Pharmacist: “Sure”.

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store for our Bridal Registry”.

May 5

A burglar is stalking stealthily around the living room of the house he’s just broken into.

He jumps with fright when he suddenly hears a voice behind him saying, “Crook, beware, Jesus, watches you”.

He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight into the direction the voice comes from and sees what indeed the voice had made him think once he was over his first fright: a parrot.

The bird repeats, “Crook, beware, Jesus watches you”.

The burglar walks up to the cage and asks “And what may your name be? The parrot answers “Coco.”

The burglar sniggers and says, “I’ve always found that a very stupid name for a parrot.”

The parrot answers, “Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a Doberman.

May 6

I was at a museum, and I asked a worker there if we were allowed to take pictures.

He told me no, as they had to stay on the walls.

May 6

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May 6

May 6

May 7

Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die.

Shows how toxic the media is.

May 7

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

May 7

Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat - cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after....

May 7

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

May 7

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games.

In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."