[JOTD] Joke of the day

[SlimRock]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" :lol:

[SlimRock]

Abe and Esther were flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!" :rofl:

[Turk]

Some lucky Johnnies do not have foreskin so that themselves and their partners already skip 3,5 :) I am the one of Lucky ones.

[Turk]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls

to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back

in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the

emergency Services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What

can I do?" The Operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy.

I can help.

First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[SlimRock]

:tooth:

[Lyon275]

:D

[x_engineer_x]

One day little Johnny's neighbor was washing dishes and saw little Johnny out the window sitting on the steps.

She saw him eat a jelly bean, bite the cats tail and move down a step.

She continued to watch him and he did it again (eat a jelly bean, bite the cat's tail and move down a step).

When curiosity got the best of her, she went across the street and asked little Johnny what he was doing.

He said "I'm playing truck driver".

She asked him "Well Johnny what does that mean?"

He said "I'm popping pills, eating pussy and moving on!"

[Turk]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy

walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger

than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is. She tells her son,

"The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to

tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach.

And the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[kn_andre]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy

walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger

than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is. She tells her son,

"The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to

tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach.

And the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Dammmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Am guessing sooner than later, this Little boy will start also talking to " Silly " Girls and he will Surely get " Dumber " too ... LoL :P :P :P :P Cheers for sharing ....

[SlimRock]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam." :lol:

[lurch234]

Computer Room

[SlimRock]

Computer Room

this should have been posted in Amazing Photo of the Day Section! :)

[kn_andre]

Computer Room

This should be the 14th Wonder of the World ... LoL .... A Nice Crib inside a Computer ?? Does Not get any better than that ... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Cheers for sharing ...

[calguyhunk]

[x_engineer_x]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle

please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

[kn_andre]

Mega LoL .... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: This is Hillarious .... David Letterman has just Officially made me Become Jealous of a Gun ... :P :P :P :P Very Funny Joke ... Cheers for sharing ...

Edited February 19, 2014 by kn_andre

[kn_andre]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle

please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

:D :D :D :D Madame Smarty Pants ... LoL ... Nice to know some women can also pull one over Men sometimes ... Cheers ..

[SlimRock]

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your p***s are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your p***s. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have s*x is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his p***s leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my a**!" :lol:

[x_engineer_x]

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

[kn_andre]

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

LoL ... Nice Funny Joke .... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Cheers for sharing a laugh ...

[STEEL]

[kn_andre]

Hey Mr Naughty Dolphin, Am sure you know there is No Fish in the Area that your Sniffing around .... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: .. Kinda Creepy when Animals start to Notice and get Attracted to Sexy Hot Ladies ???? LoL ... Cheers for Sharing

Edited February 20, 2014 by kn_andre

[x_engineer_x]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go?"

The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed."

[x_engineer_x]

The sky was dark

The moon was high

All alone

Just her and I

Her hair so soft

Her eyes so blue

I knew just what

She wanted to do

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers

Down her spine

I didn't know how

But I tried my best

To place my hand

On her breasts

I remember my fear

My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread

Her legs apart

And when she did it

I felt no shame

All at once

The white stuff came

At last it's finished

It's all over now

My first time

Milking a cow!

[x_engineer_x]

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.