[JOTD] Joke of the day

[SlimRock]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:

He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!" :)

[calguyhunk]

A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.

.........................

"Now... can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by

the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's pussy.

.........................

The dwarf shakes his head and says:

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that..... Can I see her wun awound?"

LMFAO! :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

***********************************************************************************************************************************************

For anybody who doesn't get this joke - you've gotta be familiar with American expressions for the female anatomy LOL! :tehe:

The little guy meant to say "trot" which is a slow gallop that horses do, but the cowboy thought he said "twat" meaning snatch, pussy, cunt, beaver, box, cooter, muff, cooch, gash, vag, punani, poontang, poon, bearded clam, sex slit, coochie hole etc. :P

Oh, and btw, it's also referred to as a vagina in some quarters :think: :lol:

Edited February 10, 2014 by calguyhunk

[Chancer]

I think you'll find the language is English.

[kn_andre]

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

Mega LoL :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D ... Would i be wrong if i go ahead and Bet that this Little Boy will be a Sneaky Con man when he Grows up ???? :P :P :P :P :P :P ... Cheers for letting me share your Laugh with my Colleagues today ... Have a Lovely Week ...

[SlimRock]

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity mix up and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my darn house." :lol:

[x_engineer_x]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

[Turk]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists Spent a decade and $12 million to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, Upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at Temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

They finally decide to sending a spy to Russia to find out if and how Russians have a solution for it. Three days later,the spy reports back: "The Russians use a Pencil."

[Chancer]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits..

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead..

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.

It's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love

to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

[Chancer]

I was sitting with the computer the other day drafting my will and I called out to my wife.

"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE !"

SHE SHOUTED BACK "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD !!”

[SlimRock]

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!" :lol:

~~~

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colours: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the matter old-timer, never done anything wild in your... life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." :tooth: :rofl:

[kn_andre]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Damnnnnnnnnnnn... I bet she did not see that coming ... LoL ... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Cheers..

[dMog]

not a joke but a true story....when my daughter was 3 we were walking in front of our house a kid that lived next door who was 17 and had long died black hair with a white stripe down the entire middle...my kiddlette shouted out a skunk a skunk and started to giggle,,,this was in front of all his buddies...the next day the boy had an extremely short hair-cut...the nickname stayed tho...even when i attended his wedding his uncle told this story when giving a toast to the groom...along with pictures on a wide screen tv

[calguyhunk]

................

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

Major LOLs. That's why I always describe myself as being "hung like a horse" :P :lmao:

[x_engineer_x]

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

[Turk]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the

ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of

the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver

just Insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go Ahead,

I'll hold your monkey for you."

[lurch234]

Man doesn't want to sell his Subaru

[kn_andre]

Man doesn't want to sell his Subaru

Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ... Mega LoL :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D ... Ingeniously Creepy Fellow of the Year !!! Good one ... :lol: :lol: Cheers..

[dMog]

CERTAINLY this guy is bot in danger of being husband of the year and will ake shite head of a father... and most likely will abandon his wife and child as soon as he realized he has to help look after his kid(s)...funny story but in reality a selfish immature idiot who so far in life thinks of nobody but himself that needs to grow up fast now that he is about be father...solution...keep the damn car ang buy the family vehicle too

[x_engineer_x]

I live in Texas. I also have two friends that are blonde and sisters.

One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were. When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, "Yeah, they're good paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don't know where the lighthouses are to apply."

I told them, There are no lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper."

Sure enough, there were ads for ... "Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person."

[lurch234]

Lie detector robot

[kn_andre]

Lie detector robot

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: A Sneaky Son, Lying Husband and a Cheating Wife All Exposed by a Robot . :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: ... Please where can i buy this Lie Detector Robot ???? :P :P :P :P :P :P :P Cheers for Sharing ...

[Archimede]

Lie Detector Robot

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: A Sneaky Son, Lying Husband and a Cheating Wife All Exposed by a Robot . :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: ... Please where can i buy this Lie Detector Robot ???? :P :P :P :P :P :P :P Cheers for Sharing ...

I totally second that, kn_andre :D :D :D

[x_engineer_x]

One day Johnny's mom was teaching him how to use the bathroom in six simple steps...

1. Pull pants down

2. Pull penis out

3. Pull foreskin back

4. Pee

5. Push foreskin foreward

6. Pull pants up

A week later, Johnny's mom was passing the bathroom when she heard him inside repeating the steps to himself, 3,5,3,5,3,5,3,5.

[chlorophyll]

One day Johnny's mom was teaching him how to use the bathroom in six simple steps...

1. Pull pants down

2. Pull penis out

3. Pull foreskin back

4. Pee

5. Push foreskin foreward

6. Pull pants up

A week later, Johnny's mom was passing the bathroom when she heard him inside repeating the steps to himself, 3,5,3,5,3,5,3,5.

:rofl: :rofl:

[kn_andre]

One day Johnny's mom was teaching him how to use the bathroom in six simple steps...

1. Pull pants down

2. Pull penis out

3. Pull foreskin back

4. Pee

5. Push foreskin foreward

6. Pull pants up

A week later, Johnny's mom was passing the bathroom when she heard him inside repeating the steps to himself, 3,5,3,5,3,5,3,5.

oh Boy ......... :s :s :s :s I think Johnny just Learnt a New " Habbit " He just Learnt that there is Something Else he can Pee out of his Private Part Aside from Urine !!!! :( :( :( :( :( And from the Looks of it, he Found out that Peeing out only Urine gives him no " Pleasure " at All ... So, i guess he will Stick with 3,5,3,5,3,5 for a very Long Long Time to come because that is where the real Fun is ... :lol: :lol: :lol: .. Silly Boys and their Toys.. :P :P Cheers for sharing ..