[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

I adopted a dog from a retired blacksmith.

 

Ten minutes after getting home, the dog made a bolt for the door.

[ducky88]

 

At the hospital this morning I stared at my wife through the glass in disbelief.

She kept drifting in then out, in then out, in then out. People were screaming and shouting and running frantically all over the place.

Then a doctor screamed "she's crashing"!

But thankfully, she noticed a bigger parking space in the next lane and pulled in there.

No wonder I'm in here for a frigging nervous breakdown.

 

[aum]

They told me, "Follow your dreams."

 

So I went back to bed.

 

[aum]

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his pen.s. "He's not my husband," she says.

 

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

 

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

 

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

 

[aum]

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.

 

"What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender.

 

"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

 

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had any objections to the union of the bride and groom.
The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts walking slowly up the aisle.
The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop. The groom stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. The groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.
The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."

[aum]

"Do you believe marriage is a lottery?"

"No. it's not. In a lottery, a man is supposed to have a chance."

 

[aum]

An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes failed. "What should I do?" she cried.

 

"Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap."

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse. "as soon as that tractor is paid for."Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ole Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back,mumbling to himself the whole time. His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"

 

The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says,"Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for.

 

[aum]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

 

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

 

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

 

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

 

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

 

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

 

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

 

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

 

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."

 

[Karlston]

I tried to bleach my kids monk's costume so he could reuse it but failed.

 

I guess old habits dye hard.

[ducky88]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot couldn't hold back any longer and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the frigging ship?"

[aum]

Yesterday my spouse was berating me for checking my email all day as I work from home.

 

"You know," she complained, "I think that work rules your life."

"No dear," I replied, "you rule my life. I just prefer work."

 

[aum]

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

 

Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

 

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

 

[aum]

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

 

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

 

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

 

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

 

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

 

The man sighed and said: "It's started."

 

 

[ducky88]

The doctor and the Ferrari GTO…
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

 

[aum]

A grade school teacher was instructing her students on the value of coins. She took a half-dollar and laid it on her desk.

 

"Can any of you tell me what it is?" she asked.

From the back of the room came the answer: "Tails!

 

 

[ducky88]

Wee Stump Inn
Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an adventure weekend
arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map-reading skills and they
became separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was
that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub called, 'The Wee Stump
Inn.'

They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they came
to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on
which path to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path each. They
shook hands and resolved that the last man back to the pub would pay for
the drinks.

Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork was sitting at the
pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his friend staggered in. He was cut,
bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a rugby team.

Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained, "I must have
gone around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car
engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end
of what looked like a 'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I
couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more than one voice. So, I
thought that I could ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's
window. Now, the man in the car must have been a complete psychopath,
because as soon as I asked him, 'How far is the Wee Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the car and beat the s**t out of me!"

[aum]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

 

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

 

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

 

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me."

 

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

 

After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

Edited September 9, 2021 by aum

[aum]

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

 

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

 

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

 

[aum]

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

 

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

 

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

 

[aum]

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

 

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

 

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

 

[ducky88]

Latex Gloves

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth.
He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he
was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he bluffed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walk up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands’’
‘’Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!!
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and screamed:

"I just suddenly thought about how they must make Latex Condoms.’’