[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

Two cowboys are lost in the desert.

 

One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon.

 

“A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

 

It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

[aum]

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.

 

"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."

 

"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."

 

[aum]

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

Man, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!

[ducky88]

Now That's Stressful...

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to a hospital.
Now that’s stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you as a father to be. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful.
So then…… you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you ponder about your 3 kids at home.

[aum]

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

 

The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

 

[aum]

A large two-engine train was crossing America.

 

After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.

 

"No problem," the driver thought, and carried on at half power.

 

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

 

The driver decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

 

[aum]

Bill, an avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven.

 

The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to Bill in a few days.

 

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. "Well," said Bill, "what did ya find out?"

 

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

 

"OK," "what's the good news" Bill exclaimed.

 

"Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium.

 

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

 

"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning."

 

 

[aum]

A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I tell him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o'clock."

He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05."

 

So next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05."

 

So the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I'm a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?"

 

He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."

 

So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"

 

"That's when I get here at 8:05."

 

[aum]

A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

 

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A ship passes by an island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly
“Captain” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him”

 

[aum]

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

 

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

 

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

 

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75-year-old scotch didn’t break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune.”

 

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle, and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

 

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

 

She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

 

Some years ago Eve talked Adam into eating the apple. Men will never learn!

[aum]

A man’s printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.

 

A friendly young man informed him, “Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.”

 

Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, “Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

 

“Actually, it was my boss’s idea,” said the young employee. “He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!”

 

[aum]

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

 

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”

 

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place – the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

 

“Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”

 

“Yes, reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”

 

[aum]

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was… “In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that, etc. etc.’ It eventually became very annoying.

 

I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the “Magnificent Niagara”, knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this “Wonder of Water and Power”.

 

While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes.

 

It was then I asked him, “Do you have anything like this in Texas?”

 

He waited a moment before he answered, “No, but we have a plumber that could fix it.”

 

[aum]

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris’ Last Will and Testament.

 

“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

 

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.

 

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

 

And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

I asked the three-year-old what he likes to eat.

“Nuts,” he replied.

“Great,” I said. “What kind, pecans? Walnuts? Peanuts?"

“No,” she said with a smile, “donuts!”

 

[aum]

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.

Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."

Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."

 

[aum]

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy.

 

After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

 

"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

 

[vitorio]

[ducky88]

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster

[Karlston]

[aum]

I was walking past a farm and a sign said 'Duck, eggs!'

I thought, "That's an unnecessary comma."

And then it hit me.

 

[Rainmaker]

Great Costume idea.

 

 

// R