[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

Q: What do houses and Microsoft Windows have in common?
A: Bugs come in through open Windows
 

Q: What does WINDOWS stand for?
A: "Work is never done on Windows systems"

[aum]

When I was young, I was poor.

But after many years of hard work, I am no longer young.

 

[aum]

A woman from Michigan and another from the East coast were seated side-by-side on an airplane.

 

The woman from Michigan, being friendly and all, said, “So, where are you from?”

 

The East coast woman said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”

 

The woman from Michigan sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, “So, where are you from, you silly b.tch?”

[MagicSahar]

https://i.imgur.com/xogywhG.jpeg

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"

Edited September 26, 2021 by ducky88
bad cut and paste

[vitorio]

a blond goes into the local library walks up to the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, French fries and a chocolate shake, please.” To which the librarian says, “I’m sorry lady but this is a library.” To which the blond says in a whisper, “Oh. I’m sorry. I’ll have a cheeseburger, French fries and a chocolate shake.l

Edited September 26, 2021 by vitorio

[Karlston]

An old couple walk into McDonald's and order one hamburger, one order of fries and drink.

 

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.

 

He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and sets the cup down between them.

 

As the woman begins to eat her half of the hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering. "That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

 

As the woman begins to eat her fries, a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the couple.

 

The old man replies that they're just fine – they're used to sharing everything. But he just sits there watching his wife eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

 

The young man notices that only the woman is eating, so he again comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we're used to sharing everything."

 

As the old woman finishes and was wiping her face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the old man who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks,"May I ask what is it you're waiting for?"

 

The old man answers....

 

Spoiler

"The teeth"

 

[ducky88]

Last night I was dreaming of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

[aum]

Two old friends met for the first time in several years.

 

They had a good talk and one asked, "Is your wife still as pretty as ever?"

 

"She sure is," the other replied. "It just takes her longer."

 

[ducky88]

Please be careful about what you buy online.

And if you do buy stuff online please check out the seller very carefully.
One of our well-known senior members at the golf club just lost $3,800 plus tax and shipping on a penis enlarger.
When he opened the box all he found was large Magnifying Glass and a note!
The note that came along with it was titled 'Instructions':

"Do NOT use in direct sunlight.”

 

[Karlston]

Did you know Brains from Thunderbirds was dating Claudia Schiffer for about 8months.

 

One day, Brains asked Claudia to marry him.

 

She said no.

 

Brains was devastated and asked why…they were perfect.

 

She said it was because she would be known as Claudia Schiffer-Brains

[aum]

What happens when you boil a funny bone?

It becomes a laughing stock.

 

[aum]

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

 

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

 

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

 

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants Him back?"

 

[ducky88]

 

Paddy went into work and said to his fellow workers,

"My brother dropped dead yesterday, he was only 29, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out every day, he just dropped dead."

His workmate said, "Bloody hell, what happened?"

Paddy said, "His parachute didn't open...!!!

 

[aum]

Don, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

 

Don frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Don said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

[ducky88]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,
"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations?

 

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too

[aum]

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

 

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

 

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

 

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says.

 

"Now she knows."

 

 

[Karlston]

I used to run a dating site for chickens

 

But I had to shut it down because I was having trouble making hens meet.

[ducky88]

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.

After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health.

I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however. "

"Oh, what is that, Doctor? "

"Well, you have no nipples. "
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples, " she replied.

"That is amazing, " said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine, if you don't mind. "

She said, "OK. " "First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe? "

She answered, "approximately 500. "

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

 

Running Doe replied, "We're called, 'The Indiannippleless Five Hundred'"

 

[aum]

A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, but were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.

 

They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

 

As they watched from the passenger's side, the guy instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," the man announced to the technician, "It's open!"

 

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

 

[Karlston]

I heard an employee at an apple juice factory robbed their own workplace.

 

It was an in cider job.

[ducky88]

 

A cannibal visited the witch doctor with a serious skin rash.

The doctor gave him a small pot of grease to rub on.

He returned next week completely cured. " Wonderful stuff what is it" he said

"My best friend died . I boiled him in a pot for six days then skimmed the grease off" he replied.

" What do you call it?" Said the cannibal.

" Pal o' mine lotion" replied the witch doctor.

 

[aum]

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

 

"Give me the bad news first."

 

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

 

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

 

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

 

[Karlston]