[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, Where have ya been?" " Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[aum]

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

 

The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"

 

[aum]

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.

 

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.

 

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

 

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

 

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."

 

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.

 

The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

 

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

 

[aum]

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

 

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.'

 

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!'

 

'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a shitty golfer.'

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble"...?
She said, "I went out this morning and when I came home I found a card saying the postman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"
I asked, "What is it"...?
She replied, "My husband's new hearing aid"...

[aum]

A woman has the last word in any argument.

 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

[aum]

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.

With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish--make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"

At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."

 

[vitorio]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?"

‘No this is a bar and we don’t serve ducks, now get out of here.”

Next day the duck comes back, “Got any grapes?"

No I do not and if you come here a gain I’m going to nail your feet to the floor.”

Next day the duck comes back again and asks, “Got any nails?”

“No,”

“ got any grapes?”
 

Author: John Cox, Joke writer

Edited August 8, 2021 by vitorio

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

I looked out of my window in horror as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

I immediately rushed outside yelling “Let me through, let me through”
A man at the front said “Thank God for that, are you a Doctor”?
I said “No, that’s my frigging Pizza he’s delivering”

 

[aum]

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

 

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

 

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

 

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

 

Edited August 9, 2021 by aum

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Couldn't find a ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning,

I unleashed the macgyver in me and improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet.

I could only get 5% off.

[aum]

I’ve just reset my password to DelicateLuggageHandler.

I was told it had to be case-sensitive.

 

[aum]

A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

 

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

 

The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

 

[Karlston]

[IT nerd joke follows]

 

An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and says: "can I join you?"

[aum]

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

 

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

 

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

 

[ducky88]

One day John is walking along the road when he bumps into Jim who he went to school with. Jim is richly dressed and standing next to a brand new car.
John remembers that Jim was never too bright in school so he wonders how come he seems to be doing so well. Jim says, "Well, I recently opened a jewelry store in Town and last month I opened two down south."
John is confused and asks, "You opened three jewelry stores in two months? How?"
"With a crowbar."

[aum]

A woman invited some people to dinner.

 

At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

 

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered.

 

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

 

[Karlston]

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

 

I replied, "No..."

 

She responded, "How about now?"

[ducky88]

THE iBOOB
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[aum]

A not so bright young lady in the pet shop ask about buying a gold fish.

 

The salesperson ask if she needed an aquarium.

 

Her reply was, "I don't care what sign it is."

 

[aum]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Of course, you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

 

 

[Karlston]

I pulled up at a service station to refuel the car.

It seems that I must have got a bit of petrol on my arm because, after I paid and got back in the car and lit my cigarette, my hand caught fire.

I put the window down but that made the flames flare right up my arm.

The ambulance was called. After they finished with the first aid the cops booked me.

 

I am really cranky about them charging me with having an illegal firearm.