aum Posted September 18, 2021 Share Posted September 18, 2021 There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked: “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?” The lady replied “Of course I do. It is the Bible.” He said “Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.” He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?” The lady said “Well I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.” “What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically. “Then you can ask him.” replied the lady. vitorio and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 18, 2021 Share Posted September 18, 2021 A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning. The surprised girl said, “What was that?” The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!” The girl slapped him soundly. “What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek. “Customer feedback.” ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted September 18, 2021 Share Posted September 18, 2021 funkyy, ducky88 and TrojanK 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted September 19, 2021 Share Posted September 19, 2021 Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.” Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” aum and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted September 19, 2021 Share Posted September 19, 2021 aum, funkyy, ducky88 and 2 others 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted September 20, 2021 Share Posted September 20, 2021 The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Cindy has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!” TrojanK, aum and leapinlizards 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted September 20, 2021 Share Posted September 20, 2021 TrojanK, funkyy, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted September 21, 2021 Share Posted September 21, 2021 Alien couple came down to earth and went to a swingers party. They swap partners and go to respective bedrooms. The alien man takes his clothes off revealing a one inch penis. The woman says, "I'm not impressed"... The alien then twists his right ear and his penis grows to ten inches. "Now I'm impressed" says the woman... The alien then twists his left ear and his penis becomes two inches thick and he gives the woman the best she has ever had. She meets up with her husband later and asks how was it for you...? Her hubby said, "heck all she did was keep twisting my frigging ears. TrojanK 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 21, 2021 Share Posted September 21, 2021 A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?" Karlston, ducky88 and TrojanK 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 21, 2021 Share Posted September 21, 2021 Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth. ducky88, TrojanK and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 21, 2021 Share Posted September 21, 2021 A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!” The officer calmly told him of his violation. The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms. The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put “AH” in corner and then handed it to the man to sign. The man demanded to know what “AH” meant. The officer stared straight into his eyes and said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you were such an a$shole!” and then returned to his cruiser. The violator’s a bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, “Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don’t normally make?” “Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there’s an underlined ‘AH.'” “What does ‘AH’ stand for, officer?” “Aggressive and hostile, sir.” “Aggressive and hostile?” “Yes, sir.” “Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for ‘A$shole’?” The officer grinned, “Well, sir, you know your client better than I!” Karlston, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted September 21, 2021 Share Posted September 21, 2021 funkyy, TrojanK, aum and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 Headache A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache." "Gotcha!" funkyy, aum and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 Why were the horses so happy? Because they lived in a stable environment. ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 ducky88, TrojanK, funkyy and 3 others 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted September 23, 2021 Share Posted September 23, 2021 Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications. Dce3480 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 23, 2021 Share Posted September 23, 2021 Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager’s office. “What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years’ experience. Now we discover this is the first job you’ve ever had.” “Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.” TrojanK, Karlston, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 23, 2021 Share Posted September 23, 2021 A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished." Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?" Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 23, 2021 Share Posted September 23, 2021 (edited) After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the breweries decide to go to the pub for a drink. The Coors' President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please." The bartender gave him the drink. Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser." The bartender proceeds with the order. The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever." The bartender gives him an Amstel. Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please." The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway. All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?" He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I." Edited September 23, 2021 by aum Karlston, ducky88 and vitorio 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 23, 2021 Share Posted September 23, 2021 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. TrojanK, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainmaker Posted September 23, 2021 Share Posted September 23, 2021 // R ducky88, funkyy, kmr1685 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted September 23, 2021 Share Posted September 23, 2021 aum, TrojanK and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted September 24, 2021 Share Posted September 24, 2021 A woman entered her kitchen and found her boyfriend waving a fly swatter. “What in heaven's name are you up to?" she asked. "Killing flies," he said. "Oh. Get any?" "Yep, two males, three females," he answered. "Oh come on! How do you tell them apart?" "Two were on a beer can, three were on the phone." aum and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 24, 2021 Share Posted September 24, 2021 Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives! TrojanK, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 24, 2021 Share Posted September 24, 2021 The man credited with inventing the personal computer has died, due to a failure of his life support machine. His last words were, "Have you tried switching it off and on again?" Kinkymouse, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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