[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

One guy wrote on his facebook status: "Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but I acted responsibly and took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in the Uber bro? The party was at your house!"

 

[aum]

My brother was having a tough time losing weight.

 

Our sister thought he should cut back gradually, so one day she asked, “Mike would you like to split a doughnut with me?”

Mike answered, “Want to split two?”

 

 

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

The husband comes home from the hospital, where he visited his mother-in-law. His wife asks, "How's my mother?" The husband responds: "Your mother is very well, healthy as a horse, and will live for a long time." Next week she will be discharged from the hospital and will live with us for many, many years. The woman, surprised, asks: "How can it be? Just yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed and the medical staff said she should have only days to live !? The husband responds, "I do not know how it was yesterday, but today, when I asked the doctor about his mother's condition, he told me that we should prepare for the worst.

[MagicSahar]

 

Edited September 1, 2021 by MagicSahar
make image show

[aum]

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

 

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.

"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before."

 

[aum]

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.

 

They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

 

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

 

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

 

 

[aum]

After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout in a bucket. He is approached by a Conservation Officer who asks him for his fishing license.

 

The fisherman says to the warden, "I was not fishing and I did not catch these browns, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and dump these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I'm ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home. The officer not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

 

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the trout back into the water.

 

The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket."

 

The fisherman turns to the officer and says, "What fish?"

 

[ducky88]

I've just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear.

This can only mean one thing...

She's behind with the washing!

 

[Karlston]

[MagicSahar]

https://i.imgur.com/c4aC3MH.jpeg

 

 

Edited September 1, 2021 by MagicSahar

[aum]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

 

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

 

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".

 

 

[aum]

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

 

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

 

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the man smiles at the boy then ask, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

[aum]

My boss calls me "the computer".

 

Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

 

[aum]

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

 

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

 

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

 

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

 

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

 

[aum]

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

 

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

 

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

 

[aum]

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"

He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

 

[Karlston]

People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

[ducky88]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says “Hey little boy. What are you doing?” The little boy says “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!” The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says.
“Thanks mister”, says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.
“Little boy”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.”

The little boy says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”

[aum]

I had some words for my wife.

She had some paragraphs for me!

 

 

 

Edited September 3, 2021 by aum

[aum]

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

 

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

 

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."

 

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

 

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

[vitorio]

4 hours ago, aum said:

Because I'm drunk."

The truth and nothing more than the truth!

[Karlston]

I adopted a dog from a retired blacksmith.

 

Ten minutes after getting home, the dog made a bolt for the door.