[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

I spent my whole life being proud of my English heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania.
Now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror

[aum]

A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless.

 

The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one.

 

Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”

 

[aum]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

 

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

 

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

 

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

 

[aum]

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly.

He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00. Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on.

The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

 

[PLASMA]

I cannot stop watching it again and again....🤣

 

[aum]

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.

"I'd like a little brother," a boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?"

"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

 

[aum]

There was once a police atom who ran into a suspect atom.

As they looked at each other the police atom said, "I've got my ion you!"

 

[aum]

On Palm Sunday, a five-year-old boy had a sore throat and stayed home from church with a babysitter.

 

When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches.

 

The boy asked them what they were.

 

“People held them over Jesus’ head as He walked by,” his father told him.“

 

Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go and Jesus shows up.”

 

[aum]

A wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back.

 

"Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"

 

"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"

 

[aum]

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my clientâs case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

 

[aum]

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma."Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest.

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

 

[Karlston]

I came home to a note on the fridge from my girlfriend saying "this isn't working. I'm leaving"

 

But I checked the fridge and the beer was still cold so I have no idea what she's talking about.

[ducky88]

My wife got back from shopping and said to me: "I spent 10 minutes trying to unlock someone else's car earlier. I swear, sometimes I think I'm losing my mind, haha!"

"Don't worry, I do that all the time!" I replied.

"What? Mix up our car with a different one?" she said. "No, think you're losing your mind."

[aum]

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"

 

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

 

[aum]

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away.

 

The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

 

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

 

She asked her why she was crying this time.

 

The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"

 

[Karlston]

A thief has been stealing all the wheels from police cars.

 

The police has been working tirelessly to apprehend them.

[ducky88]

Having sex when you're over 60 is like setting off a cheap Chinese firework. You spend half an hour getting the wick up, then it's one hugely disappointing bang which is over in a couple of seconds.

[aum]

Boss: Congratulations! I'm promoting you to manage our Montreal office!

 

Young man (disappointed): But sir! There's nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players.

 

Boss (now insulted): I'll have you know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal!

 

Young man (thinking fast): No kidding? What hockey team did she play on?

 

[aum]

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted:

 

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

 

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

 

I’m on the toilet.

Please advise.

 

[aum]

Little Johnny's father took him on a fishing trip to Canada.

On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, "The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!"

Little Johnny replied, "Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of them than we did."

 

[aum]

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

 

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

 

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

 

[aum]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

 

[aum]

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

 

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

 

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

 

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

 

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

 

After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had!

 

That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

 

[Karlston]

[Krinal]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. 

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. 

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. 

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.  "What is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.  "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" 

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,  "Does she still have the hiccups?"