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[JOTD] Joke of the day


rudrax

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Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

 

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

 

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An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'.


As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.


Her father asked what was wrong.


As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

 

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IRISH JOB INTERVIEW 

Mick had applied for a fermentation operator post, at a famous Irish firm, based in Dublin. 

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. 

The manager went to Mick and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Polish man the job." 

Mick said, "And why would you be doing that?

We both got 19 questions correct."  "This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."

The Manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Mick exclaimed, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" 

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' 

You put down,  “Neither do I.”

Edited by Krinal
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A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.


Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"


And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"

 

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An elderly woman in her nineties had a visitor from her church come to see her at the nursing home.

 

“How are you?” the visitor asked. “Oh,” said the elderly woman, “I’m just worried sick!”

 

“You look like you’re in good health. They take good care of you here, don’t they?” “Oh, yes, they take good care of me here.”

 

“Do you have any pain?” the visitor asked. “No, I can’t say I do,” the elderly woman replied.

 

“Then what has you worried sick?” the visitor asked.

 

The elderly woman leaned in and explained, “All of my closest friends have already died and gone to heaven. I’m sure they are all wondering where I went!”

 

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I was once kidnapped by a gang of mimes.

 

They did unspeakable things to me.

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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. 

Red meat is awful.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. 

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.'

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A man put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.


A few days later, he actually did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned to his wife while he reached for the phone.


"Why not tell him it was me this time?" his wife suggested.


"I could," he said while dialing, "but that's what I told him last time."

 

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I went to see my doctor this morning. “Some one decided to graffiti my house last night!” I raged.


“So why are you telling me?” the doctor asked.


“I can't understand the writing,” I replied. “Was it you?”

 

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An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
 

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If you're here for the yodelling lesson....

 

....please form an orderly, orderly, orderly, orderly queue.

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On 30/05/2021 at 1:57 AM, Matt said:

Use right click and pick copy image link in order the image to be embed and show on the forums, so member doesn't need to go to other website to open the image. 

Thanks Matt...I have been doing my nut in trying to figure out how people were able to post images.

I was always posting imgur links...now I know how to do it correctly!!

Every day's a school day!!:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

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Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.

 

She just really needs a shoulder to crayon.

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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

 

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

 

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

 

"Before the store opened."

 

Edited by aum
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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.

 

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

 

Every night,the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

 

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

 

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

 

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

 

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

 

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".

 

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?

 

She thought for some time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

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Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared to face the reaper cushions.

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Just as the graveside service finished there was a distant lightning bolt accompanied by a tremendous burst of rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said "Well she's there. She is his problem now"

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells an officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”: "Bulls**t! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

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