aum Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?” The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.” The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass, Sweetie, what are you doing then?” He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, ‘Vair in DA hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?” andy2004 and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 TrojanK, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday." ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted July 3, 2021 Share Posted July 3, 2021 My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids. His sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused. aum and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 3, 2021 Share Posted July 3, 2021 My dentist was voted "Dentist Of The Year". He didn't get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted July 3, 2021 Share Posted July 3, 2021 Has anyone lost a large wad of £20 notes, wrapped in an elastic band? Please get in touch ASAP, I've found the elastic band. syd5237, Karlston, Roy786 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 3, 2021 Share Posted July 3, 2021 TrojanK, aum and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 4, 2021 Share Posted July 4, 2021 I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English. He looked at me and said, "Me, How?" ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 4, 2021 Share Posted July 4, 2021 On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 4, 2021 Share Posted July 4, 2021 aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 5, 2021 Share Posted July 5, 2021 Just so everyone is clear. I'm going to put my glasses on. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 5, 2021 Share Posted July 5, 2021 A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile." Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 5, 2021 Share Posted July 5, 2021 funkyy, ducky88, TrojanK and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andy2004 Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 its only 5ft.. not long enough.. 2m is the recommended distance.. which would be 6ft 6inches. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archimede Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 1 hour ago, andy2004 said: its only 5ft.. not long enough.. 2m is the recommended distance.. which would be 6ft 6inches. Yes friend, but I guess the manufacturer took into account the length of the stretched arm that holds the 5ft stick Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 “I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. You may have seen it, I keep it scattered on beaches all over.” Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold. They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter. “Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded. “We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 A group of American tourists was being guided through an ancient castle in Europe. "This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years." "Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have." Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please." As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?" ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Wife just broke up with me over my chronic gambling addiction. But it's okay, I'll win her back. Karlston, funkyy and leapinlizards 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 My doctor has advised me to stop drinking. It's going to be a massive change for me. I've been with that doctor for 15 years. leapinlizards, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, “Watson, what do you see?” “Stars and the moon, dear Holmes,” he says. “What does it mean?” Sherlock asks. “Well,” says Watson. “It quite simply means that there are billions of gaseous balls burning millions of light years away.” “No, what does it MEAN?” Sherlock asks. “Well,” says Watson, “it means we are in the Northern Hemisphere based on the visible constellations.” “But what does that MEAN?” Asks Sherlock. “Well, astrologers would tell us we are under the sign of Leo, and the planets Jupiter and Saturn are almost in alignment.” “But WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??!!!” “My dear Holmes, I’ve given you three different answers. What more could you possible want to know?” “Watson, you blithering idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!” syd5237, funkyy, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’ ‘There’s something wrong with my d!ck’, he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.’ ‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said. The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’ The man replied, ‘You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.’ The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes?’ ‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated loudly. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ‘What is wrong with your ear, Sir?’ ‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (Strangeways). The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament . Dear Paul, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you could be here my troubles would be over because you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, You must must not dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Paul. A few days later at 4 a.m. CID officers and local police arrived and dug up and finely sifted the soil covering the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. A couple of days later he received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, I read about the police bothering you. Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Paul aum, ducky88, andy2004 and 2 others 3 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 My wife left me because I’m insecure. No wait, she’s back, she just went to get coffee. Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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