[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to
the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar
and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,
"What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10
which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream
down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a
terrible fight -then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[aum]

"Hey Alexa, can you check my bank account and see what Apple product I can afford to buy."

Alexa: "Apple Juice."

 

[Karlston]

Pita is my number 2 favorite bread

 

It's second to naan.

[ducky88]

In Australian outback, this dog rough boozer is full of miners and Shepherds. A dog ugly woman jumps up on a table and drunkenly roars out." If any of you men can guess my weight, you can take me home and shag me senseless".

One lad shouts, "about a ton"!!

As the pub laughs she responds " that's near enough, ya lucky bastard"

[Karlston]

What does it cost to buy corn from a pirate?

 

A Buccaneer.

[ducky88]

To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby

To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife

[MagicSahar]

https://i.imgur.com/VA28n1G.jpeg

[Karlston]

“I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight so I could look up without the need to go outside.

 

The people who live in the apartment above me are furious.”

[ducky88]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife set to fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent it.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: July 15, 2021
Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

[aum]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"

 

[aum]

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did."

 

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."  

 

[aum]

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rain forest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.

 

He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

 

"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"

 

"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"

 

[aum]

"Madam, your husband must have absolute rest."

"Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me."

"A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning."

 

[aum]

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.

 

"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

 

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

 

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

 

"My husband is eighty-seven."

 

"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"

 

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

 

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

 

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

 

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

My wife is a makeup artist.

She makes up the tea,

she makes up the beds,

she makes up rumors about the neighbors,

and she makes up my mind when I'm deciding whether to go to the pub...

[aum]

Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.

 

If unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.

 

[aum]

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.

 

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

 

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

 

[vitorio]

40 minutes ago, aum said:

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.

 

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

 

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

 

Specially if you are rich!

[aum]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked
"What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les."

 

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

 

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A major electronics company, Siemens, is introducing a tiny necklace mobile phone for women.

Have you seen this thing? It's on a chain - you wear it around your neck - it hangs down right here to a woman's cleavage.

The only problem women have with it; when it rings, every guy in the room yells, 'I'll get it.'

[aum]

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies.

 

Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.”

His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

 

[aum]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

 

She says, "That he did, Father."

 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "

 

[Karlston]

I called the paranoia hotline.

 

They answered, "how did you get this number?"