[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

 

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

 

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

[aum]

A man was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding.

 

Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, "Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?"

"Have you ever gone fishing?" the officer asked.

"Yes," Walt replied.

"Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?"

 

[aum]

I'm a multi-tasker...

I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

 

[aum]

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

 

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

 

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

 

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

 

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

 

"You went to the beach?"

 

"Absolutely."

 

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

 

"Absolutely."

 

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

 

"Absolutely."

 

"And what were the first words you saw?"

 

"Chapter 11."

 

[vitorio]

For those who wish to know IRS terminology:

 

What Is Chapter 11? 

Chapter 11 is a form of bankruptcy that involves a reorganization of a debtor’s business affairs, debts, and assets, and for that reason is known as "reorganization" bankruptcy.1

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A rabbit escaped from a research laboratory where he had lived since birth.

He joined a group of wild rabbits and lived their lives for a day. They introduced him to juicy carrots, fat lettuce, lots of sex and he sighed with pleasure.

"This is the life!" he exclaimed.

"So you are going to stay with us?" asked the other rabbits

"I wish I could" the rabbit replied "but I really must get back to the laboratory as I am dying for a cigarette". 

[Karlston]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

 

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

 

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

 

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

 

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

 

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

 

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

 

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

 

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

 

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

 

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

 

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

I was watching my neighbours’ cat while she was on holiday as her elderly mum wasn't able to. After a couple of days, she phoned... "How's Tiddles getting on?" She asked. "Tiddles is dead" I replied. After a while she sobbed, "that's so cold hearted, could you not have broken it to me a bit gentler than that. You could have said “Tiddles got stuck up a tree, the Fire Brigade tried to get her down, she fell and died instantly" "I'm sorry" I said, "you're right”, “and how's my mum?"  she continued. I replied, "she got stuck up a tree..."

[Krinal]

At a job Interview: -

“What are your strengths?”

“I take matters in my own hands.”

“Ok, thank you. We will contact you.”

“No, I will contact you.”

[aum]

Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow." Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Rabbit."

 

Mr. Rabbit shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothin' and loving it."

 

Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, "Do you think I could do that too?" Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I dont see why not!" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing.

 

In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.

 

The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up.

 

[Karlston]

A bloke walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter with an open phonebook and methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

 

The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over the envelopes.

 

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

 

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

 

"But why?'' asks the man.

 

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

[ducky88]

Two little girls are making friends in the school playground.
"What does your Daddy do for a living?" asks Sally.
"He's a magician," says Emma.
"Ooh," says Sally, "and what's his best trick?"
"Sawing people in half," replies Emma.
"And do you have any other family?" asks Sally.
"Yes," says Emma, "I have a half -brother and two half -sisters."

[aum]

"How long have you been working at that office?"

"Ever since they threatened to fire me."

 

[aum]

Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

 

[MagicSahar]

https://i.imgur.com/tSU7Yfq.jpg

Edited May 24, 2021 by MagicSahar

[Karlston]

[flash13]

[aum]

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

 

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." Morris called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press, and Wall Street, responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

 

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

 

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.

 

Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[vitorio]

They surely belong to hell!

[MagicSahar]

[MagicSahar]