[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

 

She still isn’t talking to me.

[aum]

“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life...

Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

 

 

Edited March 8, 2021 by aum

[aum]

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

 

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.

 

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

 

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"

 

"Neither, He's bald."

[unding69]

I am in the CR when my friend send me an XXX video, I raised the volume but there's no sound coming out, but still I keep watching it for a couple of minutes, when suddenly I remember that my phone is connected in the Bluetooth speaker in the living room with my family, Now! I am still in the CR for 3 hours—;

[Karlston]

One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out.

 

When the police came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man.

 

Armed with his drawing, they quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower.

[ducky88]

Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural West Virginia on the opening day of deer season.
They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.

The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course, by then, the deer was long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed:

“Wow! That was the most sportsman like act I’ve ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone’s dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!”

The first hunter nodded and said;

“Well…… we were married for 42 years.”

[aum]

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

 

[aum]

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.

 

"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."

 

"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."

 

The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"

 

[Karlston]

Insomnia is terrible.

 

But on the plus side... only three more sleeps till Christmas.

[aum]

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

 

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

 

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

 

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

 

The guy answers, "75 cents."

 

 

[aum]

"I wonder why old man Smith puts all his savings under his pillow every night?"

"Maybe he wants people to know that he has enough money to retire on?"

 

[aum]

I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online.

 

But then I never heard from them again.

 

I thought to myself, I either got ripped off or this is my first case.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 11, 2021 by aum

[Karlston]

I can relate to some of these...

 

Old is when...

 

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Honey, I can't do both!'

 

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

 

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

 

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

 

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

 

'Getting a little action' means, 'I don't need to take any fiber today.'

 

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

 

You start saying things like, 'Gee, this cyst is killing me!'

 

Someone mistakes you for a sun-dried tomato while you're shopping at the grocery store.

 

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to pee!

[ducky88]

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

[aum]

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

 

 

[PLASMA]

Is it useful to wear a mask?

[Karlston]

I didn't want to believe my husband was stealing from his job as a road worker.

 

But when I got home the signs were all there.

[Karlston]

[aum]

Set your Wi-Fi password to 2444666668888888.

So when someone asks tell them it’s 12345678.

 

[aum]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money.

 

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

 

[aum]

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place.

 

When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

 

Bob thought he'd give it a go.

 

When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.

 

His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

 

She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

 

 

[aum]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.

 

One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them: I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun.

 

Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."

 

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

 

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

 

He then turns to the young man and asks, "can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

 

[ducky88]

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a

Woman In a brand new VW Golf !! Doing 90mph with her face up next to her rear-view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane,

Still working on her makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily..

But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked

the sausage roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying

to straighten my car using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell Into the coffee

between my legs, which splashed and burned "Big Jim and the Twins",

ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an Important call...

Frigging Women Drivers!!..

[Karlston]

The zipper on my jeans came off just before I was about to get on the plane to go on vacation and the airline wouldn't board me.

 

They said I was on the no fly list.

[Karlston]