[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"

"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"

The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!

 

[aum]

At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.

Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.

The Boss asked him, 'Didn’t you understand my joke?'

The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.'

 

[Karlston]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

 

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

 

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

 

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

[aum]

Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.

Accused: Hahahaha

Judge: I wasn't talking to you!

 

[aum]

A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.

 

He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

"Yes, sir," answered the boy.

"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"

 

"My father, sir."

"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.

"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."

 

 

[aum]

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says. he'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

 

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.

 

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

 

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

 

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

 

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

 

[aum]

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother?

Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison.

“Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

 

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

 

 

[ducky88]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

[aum]

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

 

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

 

The next time came around and she asked again.

 

The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"

 

[aum]

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

 

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,

"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".

 

[aum]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

[Karlston]

I found I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice.

 

My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars, but I really think it's the Vodka.

[aum]

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

 

 

[aum]

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"

With a long pause the vet replies: "1955 I believe."

Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then?"

Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

 

[aum]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."

 

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

 

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

 

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

 

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

 

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

 

"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

 

[aum]

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

 

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.

 

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

 

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

 

[aum]

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.

 

There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.

 

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.

 

"Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

 

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says:

 

'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

 

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

 

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

 

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

 

[Karlston]

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.

 

Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs.

[ducky88]

Chester sent his dog out to see if there were any ducks in the pond. "If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".

The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there"

Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?"

Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him"

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"?

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg

The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f------g ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.

[aum]

There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."

 

When you marry the right one, you are complete.

 

When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

 

And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.

 

[Karlston]

For fans of the great folk-rock group America...

 

 

Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.

 

"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.

 

"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."

 

"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."

 

Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.

 

At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.

 

"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"

 

Olaf just waves and walks off.

 

"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"

 

She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."