[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[aum]

I think there's something wrong with my girlfriend.

She's hallucinating.

She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.

 

 

[Karlston]

Why do they call them postal workers

 

and not mail escorts?

[ducky88]

A nurse says to a new father, “Your baby is very pretty.”
The father looks pleased, “Really? Come on, don’t you say this to everybody?”
The nurse shakes her head, “No, of course not.”
The father wonders, “So what do you say if the baby’s ugly?”
The nurse smiles, “Then I say the baby really takes after its father.”

[aum]

Everyone told Sam not to sing...

But Samsung anyway.

 

[Karlston]

[Krinal]

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could

[aum]

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.

"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

 

[Karlston]

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

 

All it was doing was gathering dust.

[ducky88]

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Peter: "What are you doing these days?"
John: "PHD."
Peter: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
John: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."

[aum]

Passenger: What good is your timetable, the trains are never on time!

Conductor: And how would you know they were late if it wasn’t for the timetable?

 

[aum]

An older man walks into Murphy's Pub with three women and announces, "I'll give any man a sovereign to marry my 20 year old daughter, I'll give you ten sovereigns to marry my 30 year old daughter, and to marry my 40 year old daughter, I'll give you a hundred sovereigns!"

At first there was nothing but silence, until a voice from the back of the room said, "Have you got a daughter about 80?"

 

[aum]

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

 

[aum]

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"

"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

 

 

[Karlston]

My wife left me because I am insecure

 

Spoiler

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

 

[Krinal]

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10 and that Continues for a year.

Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $5  "Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing." 

  A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes $2  "What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.  "First you give me $10 every day, then $5 and now only $2 What's the problem?"  

"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs.

This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."  

"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks. 

"Four," the man replies. 

"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."

[Abacaxi]

Edited March 6, 2021 by Abacaxi

[Karlston]

My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker.

 

Spoiler

I think she's bluffing.

 

[ducky88]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what defines whether a patient should be institutionalized or not.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the water out of the tub."

So basically the test is:

1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon."

"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull out the stopper."

[MagicSahar]

[aum]

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

 

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

 

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

 

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"

 

[aum]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: 'Rest in Peace.'

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:

'Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!''

 

 

[Karlston]

How does the Pope pay his bills?

 

Spoiler

PaPal

 

[ducky88]

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little s**t on your lap."

[ducky88]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $3.00 a tin and deer nuts are under a buck.