[JOTD] Joke of the day

[flash13]

[aum]

Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue.

 

I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”

 

 

[flash13]

[Krinal]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

[august_rain]

[aum]

My wife is incredibly smart.

When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!”

She already knew it was me.

 

[Karlston]

[Akaneharuka]

[aum]

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet. Seeing this the dentist said, "Please don't, you don't need to pay me now."

The patient answered: "Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!"

 

[Karlston]

[flash13]

[Krinal]

 

[august_rain]

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

A full one🍺, in case he gets thirsty,

and an empty one🥛, in case he doesn't.

[august_rain]

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down. He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him:

"I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."

So it happened. The professor got a plumber job and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber has to go to evening classes to complete the eight grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of the circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, he filled the white board with integrals, differentials and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result he got "minus pi r squared".

He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He looked a bit scared at the class and saw all the plumbers whisper:

"Switch the limits of the integral!"

[august_rain]

The Barometer Question

 

The following was an exam question:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

 

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

 

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

 

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

 

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

 

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

 

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T =2 pi sqr root (l /g)."

 

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

 

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

 

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

[august_rain]

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees.

The patient says: “A man and woman making love.”

The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.”

 

The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.”

The patient says: “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”

 

(Richard Wiseman, Professor of Public Understanding of Psychology, University of Hertfordshire)

[aum]

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

 

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

 

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

 

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

 

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

 

 

[august_rain]

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

[august_rain]

There were two sisters....

One of them was known as
Sister Mathematical (SM)
& the other one was known as
Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the house.

SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes ?
I wonder what he wants.

SL : It's logical.
He wants to rape us.

SM : Oh, no !
At this rate he will reach us in 4 minutes at the most !
What can we do?

SL : The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.....

SM : It's not working.

SL : Of course it's not working.
The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do?
At this rate he will reach us in 2 minutes.

SL : The only logical thing we can do is split.
You go that way & I'll go this way.
He cannot follow us both.

Man follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the house and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then within few minutes Sister Logical arrives.

SM : Sister Logical !
Thank God you are here !
Tell me what happened ??

SL : The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,
so he followed Me

SM : Yes, yes !
But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And ?

SL : The only logical thing happened.
He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear !
What did you do ?

SL : The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister !
What did the Man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

SM :Oh, no !
What happened next ?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister ?
A Girl with her dress up can run faster than Man with his pants down !

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for You !.....

So be Logical not Calculative...!!

[august_rain]

David, a fresh computer graduate from a world-class University, goes for an interview in a software company.

The interviewer is John, a grubby old man. And the first question he asks David is, `Are you good at logic?'

`Of course,' replies David.

`Let me test you,' replies John. `Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one would wash his face?'

David stares at John. `Is that a test in Logic?' John nods.

`The one with the dirty face washes his face', David answers wearily.

`Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face.'

`Hmm. I never thought of that," says David. `Give me another test.'

John holds up two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

`We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face.'

`Wrong. Each one washes one's face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes one's face.'

`I didn't think of that!' says David. `It's shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!'

John holds up two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

`Each one washes his face.'

`Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face. So neither one washes his face.'

David is desperate. `I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test!'

He groans when John lifts his two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

`Neither one washes his face', David replies, `I have learnt this logic.'

`Wrong, again. Do you now see, David , why programming knowledge is insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see the flaw in the premise?'

[august_rain]

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

[aum]

After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

 

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

 

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam. "

 

Professor: "Okay, it is a deal. So what is the question?"

 

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

 

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.

 

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

 

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 32 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 21 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

 

[aum]

Logic, eh?:

 

Woman: do you drink beer?

Man: yes

 

Woman: how many beers a day?

Man: usually about three

 

Woman: how much do you pay per beer?

Man:$5.00 which includes a tip

 

Woman: and how long have you been drinking?

 

 Man: about 20 years, I suppose

 

Woman: so a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at about $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man: correct

 

Woman: if in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

Man: correct

 

Woman: do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

 

Man: do you drink beer?

Woman: no.

 

Man: where is your airplane?

[Karlston]

[aum]

An actor had been out of work for years because he always forgot his lines. One day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for an important part in a play.  All the actor had to say was, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar!"

Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!"

 

The time for the entrance finally came. As the actor made his appearance onstage, he heard a loud BOOOOM! He turned around and said, “What the heck was that?”