[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.

Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A young man and woman were eager to enjoy a picnic in the park one Saturday noon, and they opted to go through a fast-food drive-in for a quick snack.

 

They ordered, paid, got their bag of goodies, and headed for the park. When they opened the bag, it was full on money instead of the hamburgers they expected.

 

They rushed back to the fast-food place and returned the money.

 

"This is WONDERFUL," exclaimed the manager. "We've been looking for this money all morning and couldn't figure out where it could have been misplaced. You two are an honest couple. A lot of people would not have the morals and honesty to return the money. I'm going to call the TV and the newspapers and let everybody know what an honest deed you've done."

 

"Uh, don't do that," says the man, "my wife might see it on TV."

 

[Rainmaker]

I just got kicked out of a flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

 

// R

[Karlston]

[aum]

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison!

 

[aum]

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.

 

[aum]

Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

 

[aum]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

 

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

 

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

 

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

6 hours ago, aum said:

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

 

Spoiler

He lies awake in bed wondering whether there's a Dog or not.

 

 

[aum]

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

"Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

 

 

[aum]

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

 

Edited August 20, 2020 by aum

[Krinal]

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

[Karlston]

Ordering Pizza In 2020

 

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

 

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

 

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

[aum]

Little Mary talking to Little Johnny: I found twenty cents on the sidewalk.

Little Johnny: That's mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning.

Little Mary: But, what I found was two ten-cent coins!

Little Johnny: That's it. I heard it break when it hit the ground.

 

[aum]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

 

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

 

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

 

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

 

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

 

When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

 

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

 

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

 

[Krinal]

I did a self-defense course. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.

[aum]

While visiting a water show a tourist asked one of the divers, "Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats?

To which the diver replied, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

 

[aum]

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it honey?"

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy....

 

[Rainmaker]

 

// R

[flash13]

[Karlston]

[Krinal]

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”

Source

Edited August 22, 2020 by Rajeshl

[Karlston]