aum Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em." TrojanK and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit." TrojanK and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?” Husband: “With a minute of silence." Akaneharuka, Karlston and aum 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 Krinal, Akaneharuka and TrojanK 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted August 12, 2020 Share Posted August 12, 2020 The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am. “What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer. “I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man. “Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, "who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!” - The man sighs, “my wife.” aum, TrojanK and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 12, 2020 Share Posted August 12, 2020 As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you." But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it. Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant. Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me." Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!" flash13, TrojanK and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 12, 2020 Share Posted August 12, 2020 A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock. "HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted. A majestic voice boomed through the gorge: "I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me." "Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man. "Let go of the branch," boomed the voice. There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?" flash13 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 12, 2020 Share Posted August 12, 2020 Abacaxi 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted August 13, 2020 Share Posted August 13, 2020 A guy leans closer to his wife. „Can you keep a secret?“ he whispers to her. “Sure I can,” says the wife, becoming curious. “That’s good,” whispers the man again, “so can I.” Source Akaneharuka 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akaneharuka Posted August 13, 2020 Share Posted August 13, 2020 Karlston, flash13 and Krinal 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 13, 2020 Share Posted August 13, 2020 “My electrician's favorite philosopher is Voltaire.” Karlston and flash13 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 13, 2020 Share Posted August 13, 2020 A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $700 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $600 a week plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco." "Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that man!" "Speaking," said the farmer. Karlston, leapinlizards and flash13 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 13, 2020 Share Posted August 13, 2020 A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in." The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds? Krinal, leapinlizards and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 13, 2020 Share Posted August 13, 2020 TrojanK and Akaneharuka 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 (edited) Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do? Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me? Source Edited August 14, 2020 by Rajeshl Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 Krinal, Akaneharuka and flash13 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!" flash13, Karlston and TrojanK 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead." Karlston, flash13 and TrojanK 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 25 years old!" “You see how horribly long your delays are? You should be ashamed!” flash13, Karlston and aum 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 flash13, Krinal and TrojanK 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 16, 2020 Share Posted August 16, 2020 A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back." She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?" Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor confessed with a suppressed laugh in his voice, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway!" Krinal, flash13, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 16, 2020 Share Posted August 16, 2020 A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test." Karlston, leapinlizards, flash13 and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone. “OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!” “What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!” Source funkyy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 After dinner one evening a host was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano. At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music." "Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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