[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

 

He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

 

Spoiler

I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

 

[Krinal]

I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.

Source

[aum]

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.

 

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

 

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

 

"Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "Means carrying a child."

 

[Karlston]

[Krinal]

Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets.

They do so within groups of 40.

[aum]

A teacher asked her class to write on "What's the bravest thing your dad has done?"

A student wrote... "My dad married my mom."

 

[aum]

A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

 

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

 

A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

 

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?"

 

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

[aum]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

 

[aum]

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:

"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".

A young man opened the door and let him in.

The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.

He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."

When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.

The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it."

The old man said, "And the same old story..."

 

[Karlston]

[Krinal]

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.” 

[aum]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

 

[Karlston]

[Krinal]

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

[aum]

Dad, will you help me with my homework?"

 

"I'm sorry," replied the father. "It wouldn't be right."

 

"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try."

 

[aum]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Don't mess with Old People.

   

 

[Karlston]

[Krinal]

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”

Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”

Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question 

Source

 

[Karlston]

 

Where can I buy one?

[leapinlizards]

LV-426 local store...lol

[Krinal]

Job interview in a psychiatry: So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?

I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.

Very good, the job is yours.

Source

[aum]

A man was found guilty of overusing commas.

The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

 

[aum]

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,"That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[aum]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

 

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

 

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

 

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[aum]

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"

"No," says the cop.

"What about all these other cars?"

"They didn't ask!"

 

Edited August 6, 2020 by aum