ducky88 Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 Just been conned on eBay. I bought the worlds biggest cardboard box but the one it came in was bigger. funkyy, aum, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 funkyy, TrojanK, visitor and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 Akaneharuka, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Karlston Posted March 22 Popular Post Share Posted March 22 Archimede, Akaneharuka, vitorio and 4 others 1 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." funkyy, ecsjjgg, Adenman and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous." Adenman, ecsjjgg and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth. funkyy, Karlston, Adenman and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 Q: What's the difference between the government and the Mafia? A: One of them is organized. ducky88, ecsjjgg, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked. And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony." ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. As he handed the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I went to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself this evening. We have sound now." ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for." ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than him. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?" Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school? “Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!” Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 (edited) Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" Edited March 22 by aum Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" The lady says, "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist. He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!" Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 A man was having marital problems. So he went to his shrink. The shrink says, "When you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make mad passionate love to her." In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office. The shrink asked "How did it go?" He said, "She didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a kick out of it." Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 My boss calls me "the computer"... Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes. Adenman, kaloo1995, BigBoyxxx and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven,” his father said. ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 funkyy, kaloo1995 and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time. "Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother." Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?" Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?" Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!" Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop." Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm." "That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare." The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!" Adenman, Karlston, ducky88 and 1 other 1 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook. About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes" ducky88, Adenman and vitorio 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 Dating is like traveling on a bicycle. If you don’t like the journey, you can get off anytime. Marriage is like traveling by airplane. Once you’re in, you can’t get off that easy. Adenman, TrojanK and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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