Soon I will be saying goodbye :(

[kaloo1995]

keep fighting......

don't give up.

[nIGHT]

@HandyPAF I know what you're going through my friend. It is indeed the most painful thing when you have to go through it alone.  "The hardest trials are only given for the toughest persons God created, for those are the only ones who can endure it." (my short message)

 

Like most of our nSane family said here, we are greatly sadden by your condition and expressed our deep concern to your well-being.

To be frank, I cried buckets of tears as lots of flashbacks of my life came back to me as I can relate to what you are going to go through.

I actually was speechless the moment I read your post just few minutes passed since you created this topic.

I couldn't bring myself to post my reactions and my sympathy on your condition.

7 hours passed since you made this topic, and I read this post of yours below

On 4/24/2017 at 2:43 PM, HandyPAF said:

There isn't much that anyone can do. I will not give up, I never have before and I won't start now.

made me decide to share you with something. Some are facts, a long story cut short (it is still long) that helped me to go through everyday in life now and a research about alleviating the pain that chemo can bring to your body. Yes, there is a way to reduced the pain it can inflict on your body but it has to be your choice.

Read the first two spoilers only if you are bored, have time. 

You may skip directly to the to Reducing pain chemo cause on the body spoiler.

 

(This is long. Some facts on what you could be facing relating to what happened to me and my emotional state)

Spoiler

http://coconutoil.com/study-virgin-coconut-oil-protects-the-liver-from-harm-caused-by-chemotherapy-cancer-drugs/

I am also terminally ill but your situation is far worse than mine my friend. You got to be the toughest guy I've ever known. It won't be easy but it all depends on how you do it on your terms as long as it's on your terms (referring to dMog post), so think it through. I've been diagnosed in my early teenage life. I have my life story posted here in my rookie days in this forum. Though, I am determined to live longer or even get well, it wasn't easy and nobody will ever understand it unless they are in the same state. I've been through acting tough to being scared shitless to being a desperate suicidal wimp afraid to face the pain and trials furthermore, but in the end, we got to man up and have no choice but to face it (This will be a repetitive state). Yes, the pain will eventually increase and gravitate, and nobody will understand what is really happening to our body, how painful it is, how weak we already felt and how desperate we already are, that is until you start to take patience to explain it on those people who care to understand us and trying to figure how they could alleviate our pain. It is going to be monotonous and will be irritating to constantly explains it and they will have a hard time putting themselves in our shoes too. At first, my doctor did discourage me to look for treatment as there was no known cure yet. i told him "I will die trying to get better or live a little longer, if it needs to search for miracles at the end of the universe then I will find God and beg Him to give me a chance to live a little more longer." My doctor said I was crazy and delusional for that I will need lots of miracles, but months later he came to understand that was "on my terms" on how I fight and face this trial and gamble with my "false hope" (as what he describes it). Many many years passed from that time (to make the story very short), I'm way, way, past my deadline and I am still here fighting for a chance to live longer . Whatever have happened it's been my choice that I made, I just got lucky or God heard my constant begging. Currently, many of my symptoms have been suppressed. The major pains almost gone or been greatly reduced. I am feeling better because "on my terms" I choose to find a way to ease my pain and suffering through meds and/or prayers, research and even asking people for information whether not related to my disease which later did helped me.

 

(The breast cancer girl, my ex-gf. This has to be told this way. I have a point to make. A very long story cut short but still long)

Spoiler

Years after my doctor died of liver cancer, I got depressed to the point it made me suicidal. There's always these lack of things (assistance, financial and someone who can relate to us) that will push us to the edge. Why life isn't like in a movie where there's a happy ending? After a failed suicide attempt, someone interrupted me on my flight, I got drunk and found myself inside an internet cafe looking for someone to chat with and listen to how good their life was and be happy for them (my stupid hobby. I envy them but it gave me hope that my chance will change). I chatted with this average looking slender chinese girl who was depressed. To cheer her up, I told her how lucky she was compared to me. We end up telling who was worst than the other. To make it short, as she was the focus of the story here, I learned that she just passed her nursing licensure exam and recently got diagnosed of having a breast cancer. She was afraid of dying young and got paranoid to discussed about her disease but got inspired on my story (determination). She asked me to be her first boyfriend (and the last as well) as she never had one. She became a nurse in a hospital and later a nurse instructor. We can relate to each others ordeal. The way we view life is very very different from those who are healthy. It seems life is never fully understood until you are in this state, where everyday is a gift, a chance, might be the last chance we have to resolve and try things. To cheer her up, I suggested that we do her " bucket list". We did and it was embarrassing, tiring, costly, sometimes depressing and fun. We did enjoy most of it and made us happy. Many months passed, we were happy, then just one day she broke up with me. She said they were going to the state (U.S.A) to get cured and was hard to be in a long distance relationship. Less than three years, I got a call from her sister telling me that my exgf wanted to talk to me. Explaining to me my exgf is now in an intensive care and the machine was the only thing keeping her alive. She still able to talk but she's way too weak to have a long conversation. My exgf explained to me why she broke up with me. She did not want me to see her suffer in a messy way. She told me everyday she tries to remembers our "adventure" and how happy she was then being with me. She was able to reconcile herself with God. She expected me to be angry at her and may not forgive her, but she wanted to try to ask for forgiveness.I was not mad at her. I wanted to have a video call but she won't let me. She asked me not to linger on my depression anymore. She wanted me to live my life trying to be happy just like how I made her happy and smile. She wanted me to remember she was beautiful. I was crying a lot then when she asked me to tell her she is beautiful. I told her she is beautiful. She said thank you and then just a moment of silence follows. A loud screams and cries was the next thing I've heard. Her sister told me my exgf is now dead and thanked me for being kind to her at her last moment. Her mother later thanked me and told her daughter died with a smile. I figured the phone was set to loudspeaker. I tried to move on and live my remaining life just as she told me. No matter how depressive the situation is I try to smile, I try to be happy. Things started to lighten (translation: The problems were no longer as depressing to handle anymore) and I'm getting stronger. Meet a few people who were healthy but have a sad and bitter outlook in life. It took me awhile to realize that we really took life for granted. The healthy ones that were sad and bitter never appreciates they never have to worry not waking up anymore the next day (including of course all those everyday problems like financial and stresses). They never take the chance to make the best of life, to live life. I am, at least, happy with my remaining life currently. My exgf told me that I should be, and I choose to be too, "to try to be happy in life is a choice I have made.(no matter the circumstance)" Well, she made me promised to at least try. At her last moment, she made me happy. she saved me from my bitter depressing life. That's the point. Determination to live and do better in life (get well) is not enough but also to try seek happiness (even for those remaining days) is the key to living a life otherwise ( you feel empty inside you and) there's no point to go on.

 

Reducing pain chemo cause on the body

Spoiler

 

During the time we broke with my gf, I still continued my research of finding a cure of cancer for her sake, along with the hope maybe I can also bump a possible cure for my sickness to while researching for hers (I have long been searching for another type of fat (saturated) but have no way of knowing where I can find it). I happened to interview some of those adult cancer patients that went to chemo and radiation. Some were to generous to give me advice and information about it. Chemo is surely much worst than radiation, they said. Radiation cause skin burns and the advice was to keep skin moisturized.

(Here I search a forum with post that will give info similar to the information I managed to gain from the patients)

is radiation worse than chemo?

One of those that I interviewed gave me an advice that she was taking virgin coconut oil a tablespoon a day, everyday for three days before session, she most likely referring to radiotherapy session. Then there was this trend that happened in my country. A lot of people taking virgin coconut oil as a supplement and sometimes as a cure to their respective sickness. A lot of tv programs made an episode of it as we are used to be the no.1 coconut producing country in aisa. A lot of those cancer patient gave testimony that when they take it everyday and they undergone radiation and chemotherapy the pain caused by chemo was greatly reduced. A group of scientist working under a pharmaceutical company made a research about it, arranged a news conference to tell the people that there was this cure to greatly alleviate the pain that chemo and radiation brings but since their company couldn't patent for a product found in nature their jobs were threatened if ever they get it exposed. (I have mentioned it during a conversation with ambrocious during my rookie days here) but they exposed it anyway.

Study: Virgin Coconut Oil Reduces Symptoms of Chemo – Improves Quality of Life for Breast Cancer Patients

another

Study: Virgin Coconut Oil Protects the Liver from Harm Caused by Chemotherapy Cancer Drugs

testimony

organic virgin coconut oil for cancer patients.

Google "virgin coconut oil chemotherapy" and you will find lots of informative sites regarding how effective this really is. I am not selling you anything. We make our own (my mother actually the one who experimented on it and latermade it after knowing it could be the saturated fat I'm looking for and it is) and later I will teach you how.

 

Even VCO cures Aids

Virgin Coconut Oil "Hope for Aids Patients"

Testimony of How VCO Helps Cure Aids

 

Personal Note:If you can't produce your own VCO and need to buy it then choose those that do not have any other flavor. It is oil so it does not taste nice and you need to chew salted meat like bacon or something after taking it. VCO is not cooked! It is VIRGIN means it wasn't cooked!

 

How to make VCO: Finely grated coconut meat using a coconut meat grater or buy it in department store. Prepare 1/3 glass of water per coconut fruit. Mixed it in the grated coconut meat. Squeezed it using your hand on another bowl. Strain it using a fine mesh. Leave it overnight. The next day scooped the top of the oil that separates from the coconut milk. That is high quality VCO.

 

 

Edited April 25, 2017 by nIGHT

[HandyPAF]

I honestly don't know what to say. I didn't anticipate the huge amount of support but that is because I am not accustomed to it.

 

Update: It's been a few hours since I found out but I won't be able to stay at the shelter tonight. They are pretty full and have already made arrangements to accommodate the large number of people who need assistance. Put simply: they are already over capacity. They can't guarantee that I will be able to stay tomorrow night because a lot of the folks don't have anywhere else to go (like me) and it's a first-come-first-serve kinda place.

 

It's probably about 40 degrees outside (Fahrenheit not Celsius)

I'm not too cold, I have a relatively large blanket which also serves as a pillow. I decided to break into a school bus rather than sleep outside, will be gone before anyone notices I was there. A stranger provided me with an umbrella but it isn't raining so it's my makeshift walking stick until I need to use it for it's intended purpose.

 

It's been at least a week since I ran out of my MS medication but at least I don't have any prescriptions for the cancer. I'm sure cancer meds are more expensive. Nothing I eat tastes the way it should, I don't know what is causing that to happen. Maybe I ate something that was stale or expired? Idk I take whatever I can get.

 

It is time for me to sleep. I will try to post another update tomorrow or the day after.

[drunk]

Incredible sad news! I wish you all good.

[vitorio]

On 4/24/2017 at 5:55 AM, Togijak said:

sounds like you cant accept your situation to good but you cant do anything against it = that is life | I would be glad if I could say I have less than a year to live but less than 6 months is more realistic | I wish you the strength to leave the world with your head raised

Every person is unique how he see the world. In the case of my father who lost the fight against cancer I never heard a claim from him. He left this world with the head raised. 

I hope if something similar happen to me I have the strength to also have my head raised when my turn comes.

Edited April 25, 2017 by vitorio

[Togijak]

If needed it is easy to find a way

 

Site: http://www.datafilehost.com
Sharecode^[?]: /d/89f9f5a8

 

 

[NaJeEb303]

Its VERY Sad to hear that news 

apart from your health you are facing more serious issues in life , and its so sad you have no relative in this tough time to support you . ,

all i would say is never give up and be strong . , live the last minute of your life to the fullest - just like one do in a game , trying to play the very last life in a game . . , 

Do everything which seems favorable to your behalf and fight against this evil . .

 you are one of the kindest person in this forum , and also one of the great contributors here , .

i sincerely appreciate everything you did to this forum . .

i would personally pray for you that whatever is best for you happens to you . .

 Best Regards.

:'(

[boulawan]

Goodbye to you HandyPAF

I have seen your message to announce this bad news, I do not know you personally it is regretable, you have given a lot to the NSANE community and I thank you on behalf of everyone. Wishes a good path.
Live the present moment to the fullest.
Boulawan

 

 

[psyko666]

There are now words to describe how I feel after reading your post, stay strong and you will be in our hearts forever..  ♥

 

 

Edited April 25, 2017 by psyko666

[Ghazi]

@HandyPAF You are the most brave and generous person we know here.

I hope you face this difficult time with hope and courage. Also look towards the hereafter and if you are not religious I would recommend you to look in religion for comfort.

Hope the Creator of Heavens and Earth makes it easy for you in this and the life here after

Amen

[silentuser12]

 

There are some companies in US that make cancer drugs like Amgen...Can that help?

 

I don't know much..I wished I could help..

 

Please check & try to reach to them

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2017/02/28/terminal-cancer-patients-complete-remission-one-gene-therapy/

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/11641771/Cure-for-terminal-cancer-found-in-game-changing-drugs.html

 

Edited April 25, 2017 by silentuser12

[Airstream_Bill]

Very SAD news.  

[DKT27]

Very sad to hear this. Like others, even I'm disturbed and could not think what to say here. My prayers and wishes for you.

 

Thing is, we already have lost a important member years ago, which though I cannot confirm but was probably due to the same issue. I do not know if we can call him a coder, but if we can, he was one of the best that ever was. Now, I do not wish the forums to lose someone else, especially as good as a member like you.

 

What I can also tell you is that I have personally heard about people who have fought this, not once, not twice, but thrice and have come out of it. That's right, people have had this thrice and still managed to come out of it. Now I do not know at what stage you are at, but those people took the required steps necessary to fight it and that is how they did it. I still think that if it's financially possible for you then you should do all the things can be done to fight this.

 

Religiously, I can tell you that human is just a body but it's the soul that never dies. It's an endless cycle which connects all of us together. Sometimes the one above has a different way to fix our soul's records, sometimes slowly sometimes through strict things. Rest assured, remember that your records are being fixed, freeing you from any load that might have had. I do not know if this will help you or not, but we do not know what we had on or back nor do we know what is in the front, we just need to do what is right thing to be done.

 

Also, who said you do not have anyone who cares about you. We at nsane, everyone of us, people who have used your work, people who have seen your posts, people who have talked to you, taken help from you, each and everyone of us are your family and nothing can take that away from you here.

[clubhouse]

PAF, do you not have a friend or relative you can stay with?...Being alone at this time is not good.

Edited April 26, 2017 by clubhouse

[HandyPAF]

20 hours ago, DKT27 said:

Also, who said you do not have anyone who cares about you. We at nsane, everyone of us, people who have used your work, people who have seen your posts, people who have talked to you, taken help from you, each and everyone of us are your family and nothing can take that away from you here.

 

I know that you all care and I consider you family as well. Before I became more involved here at Nsane and started to contribute as best I could, I also started to realize that this community is made up of the best people I've ever known. Most people in real life do not treat me with respect. I am disabled so others see me as a "drain on society" or something like that. It is frustrating and I couldn't bear it anymore so I became a recluse. My disability (blindness) prevents me from ever being able to drive a vehicle so it isn't easy for me to run errands but it is easy for me to stay home. I've always been introverted so I actually enjoy being inside most of the time. The only downside is the loneliness but even if I were able to come and go as I please, I don't think it would have increased my chances of finding that special someone and settling down. Too late to be concerned about that anyway.

 

The only funds I have available to spend on pain relief and comfort are the funds that get deposited in my account once a month. That money won't be here until the 3rd so I plan to endure the pain/discomfort until I receive my disability income. I have no idea how I will budget so that I can feed myself, get my prescriptions and put a roof over my head. But I will do what I have always done: improvise and make the most of what I have.

 

17 hours ago, clubhouse said:

PAF, do you not have a friend or relative you can stay with?...Being alone at this time is not good.

 

I don't have any friends in real life. I have friends on Facebook but other than replying to the occasional comment, I haven't really spoken to any of them since 2006 when I graduated high school and, shortly after, became disabled due to a car crash.

I have a sister but she is in California and I am in Nebraska. It would take me the remainder of my life just to walk there and there is no way I could ever afford a bus or plane or whatever it takes to get there. I also have a brother but we haven't spoken in a long time. He did some unforgiveable things and I couldn't forgive him. Since then, he has held a grudge against me. But it is not my fault that he chose to do what he did. I've tried to contact him a few times in the past but he has never responded so I guess that bridge has been burned.

[mymiabear]

Oh god Handy.. I don't know what to say. We appreciate you so much and all your hard work. We will miss you very much and please surround yourself with friends.

I can't say anymore as I am tearing up.

[I Am Negan]

Cant you ask your sister to wire you bus fare?

Edited April 26, 2017 by Kerry4444

[demon.devin]

My best regards friend. Hope it's a quiet one for you.

[HandyPAF]

42 minutes ago, Kerry4444 said:

Cant you ask your sister to wire you bus fare?

 

I could but I don't know how she would send it. My bank account does not allow deposits to be made and I have no address for her to send money to.

 

I don't want to ask her because she is pregnant and should be giving birth any day now. I don't want her to be any more stressed than she already is. No one else knows about the cancer diagnosis except for the members of this community. When I was diagnosed with MS, I told her about it and her only response was "Mom had that, sucks to be you" so I really don't think she would care anyway.

 

Contacting people who don't care is not a priority. I am more concerned about when I will eat next or where I can lay down to rest.

Edited April 26, 2017 by HandyPAF

[vissha]

@HandyPAF You could ask for donation. Post in web/newspapers - consult doc's help since they could give their community bank ac for accepting donations under your name. Post it here as well - if required ask Admin/Mod/Staff permission.

 

Request to Nsaners!

If you can donate, please go ahead and help. It'll help @HandyPAF in many ways. There are many sources to help, please find a way if you can donate.

Also, the donation doesn't need to be money. It can also be food coupons, discount coupons, free stuff, spl stuff,... and more...

[LadySmokes]

3 hours ago, HandyPAF said:

 

I could but I don't know how she would send it. My bank account does not allow deposits to be made and I have no address for her to send money to.

 

I don't want to ask her because she is pregnant and should be giving birth any day now. I don't want her to be any more stressed than she already is. No one else knows about the cancer diagnosis except for the members of this community. When I was diagnosed with MS, I told her about it and her only response was "Mom had that, sucks to be you" so I really don't think she would care anyway.

 

Contacting people who don't care is not a priority. I am more concerned about when I will eat next or where I can lay down to rest.

 

Oh, brother.  I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm so sorry to hear this.  We stand with you and are praying for and with you. 

[nIGHT]

@HandyPAF I remember that I saw a documentary, I think it was either CNN or natgeo, about people in your situation. They featured the homeless shelters where they have to line up on a first-come-first-serve basis, just like you describe on your above post, since it can only  accommodate a certain number of homeless people per night. There they can take a shower as well as have a bed to sleep inside a building. They interviewed a lot of people there and followed them on their day-to-day struggle to survive to get a bed to rest their body at night to finding ways to feed themselves. From where and how they get their food stamps, to even bartering it for something they have (something of value to the other) just to get food stamps, It is a very very hard struggle even just by looking at the documentary.

 

So I research your place Nebraska, and homeless is a rampant problem there. The point is they have programs, organizations and individuals that are trying to help you. You just have to reach them, know if you are qualified, BE PERSISTENT, HAVE THE PATIENCE to cooperate with their requirements, programs and regulations. Some provide not only homeless shelter for the night but for months or a year, some also giving SNAP/{formely called food stamps}, and even provide some vocational training, few for medical assistance (like "Division of Developmental Disabilities (DDD)"). If you are lucky you might be qualified for a rental assistance program for homeless with disabilities or they assists you to find low cost apartment/housing and even financial assistance.

 

I only started this research hours ago so it is not really organize. Here I divided your concerns: Shelter and food, medical assistance and financial assistance, housing. But, some includes services more than shelter or food and may overlap the other category. It is hard to ramified them according to services. Time is running out so this needs not to be perfect but the main concern is to give you this information as early as possible.

 

1. Shelter and food

25 Homeless Shelters In Lincoln, NE

Note: Some of these homeless shelters accommodates women and children only or families, or the elderly (above 50), so just browse all of them and do check them if you think you are qualified to acquire their services. Yes, they offer more than an overnight shelter. Some also provides 3 meals a day and you can take shower there. Please just go with their program and cooperate if you think it can help you get a warm place while sleeping and have a food to eat. Please do check each as some of the good ones where listed way below or on the next page. Please read it each services and visit their website if  it interest you. They got more than one program to provide you with food and shelter and even financial aide. Keep in mind some of these are also transitional program and might be a seasonal one. Take a note of the schedule/day/time they provide food.

 

2. Medical assistance and Financial assistance

 

Division of Developmental Disabilities

 

Note: This is interesting and I hope they can help you.

 

and also please view their financial assistance page directory, after this comment, as it contains services about food stamps, cancer repository program (where they accepting donated cancer drugs and dispensing them to Nebraska residents Maybe they can provide/help you with some medications), AABD (Assistance to the Aged, Blind, or Disabled) and Medicaid / Medicare.

 

Financial Assistance

 

another site but maybe better presentation

Nebraska Assistance Programs

4. Housing

 

Homeless To Independence

 

This is all I can do now my dear friend. Take good care of yourself. We are praying for you. God be with you always.

Edited April 27, 2017 by nIGHT

[DKT27]

It's quite concerning to hear this.

 

Eitherway, I would like to mention two things. Both is about meds. I come from a medical background - not part of it though, so I know very well that drugs these days are quite effective, believe me, I have seen many if not most fight this and come out of it in recent years, something which might not have been possible before, lets say when others in your family had it. Second is, there is one thing my country is famous for, generic meds, now I do not know how many generic meds are available this but I do know that they are and lot of it gets exported from here to there. If somehow you can get hold of them then they might help you a lot.

 

 

Guys, about donations, if anyone of you guys can somehow find ways for the donation money to reach his bank account and are willing to take responsibility of doing so, I'm fine if you guys start a donation campaign for him. I think any amount of money could help him here.

[nIGHT]

17 minutes ago, DKT27 said:

 I'm fine if you guys start a donation campaign for him. I think any amount of money could help him here.

 

Yes, something like https://www.gofundme.com/

 

But, I won't start it since I am nobody here and I don't want to be responsible for it or don't want to be involve in a controversy in case something might happen like money was not receive by handypaf. I think it would be better if you start it since you're our admin here then it is alright I guess.

Edited April 27, 2017 by nIGHT

[46&2]

==========================================================================================
17 minutes ago, DKT27 said:

I'm fine if you guys start a donation campaign for him. I think any amount of money could help him here.
==========================================================================================

I have an idea: It is obvious that none of the donated money from members to nsane forums is actually being spent to "make things better"! Sooooooooooooo I am thinking why not just send all the "new server" money, donated by members to nsane, over to this guys bank account? It would really help him out and be going to a much better cause! What do you guys think?

Edited April 27, 2017 by 46&2