[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

 

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."

 

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

 

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

 

"Because I'm drunk."

 

[aum]

The husband called the wife on the phone and said, “Today I will bring dinner from the Second Wife”.

He came home and knocked.

And was knocked out!

 

He is in hospital now.

 

Actually, Second Wife is the name of a restaurant.

[aum]

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

 

 

[aum]

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

 

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.

The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.

The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

 

Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.

The male rat ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.

And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

 

Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.

 

Then, one of the students from the back rows said, “Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one may be his wife!”

 

The professor stood straight up his finger pointing towards the student and said:

 

“You are a Damn Genius”

[aum]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

 

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”

 

Husband: “Because he’s thinking to get married.”

[aum]

A man and his wife went three days without talking after having an argument.

 

On an occasion, the man remembered that the next day he would have an early meeting in office.

As he needed to get up early, he decided to ask his wife to wake him up.

But he did not want to be a person who began the first conversation, so he wrote on a paper, “You wake me up at 6 in the morning.”

 

When he got up in the morning, he looked at the clock and realized that it was 9 o’clock.

He was so angry and shouted, “What’s wrong with you! What were you thinking? You are inconsiderate, you did not do what I asked you to do.”

 

His wife did not say anything and looked at the table a paper on which was written the following, “It’s six o’clock, get up!”

[aum]

Two men are working on a telephone pole.

 

A little old lady walks by and one of the men yeIl to her, “Hey lady, can you move that wire off the sidewalk for us!”

She picks it up and moves it from the sidewalk.

 

The second electrician says, “I told you it wasn’t live.”

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

People say that certain types of music can take you to another place.

This is very true; I was in the pub the other night and a Justin Bieber song was playing on the jukebox,

so I went to another pub.

[lurch234]

 

It's lame...I know. Don't shoot me

[lurch234]

Cut and paste...

 

[aum]

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"

The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."

 

"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

 

[aum]

My mate recently got divorced from his wife.

They decided to split the house.

He got the outside.

 

[aum]

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.

 

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.’ he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them.’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.

 

On the PA system:

‘Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’

[Karlston]

[lurch234]

Cremation fees are too damn high

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

She: "Sweetheart, what's your gift for our 25th anniversary?"

He: "A trip to Thailand."

 

She: "That's amazing! And what about when we hit our 50th anniversary?" she asked.

 

He: "That's when I come back to get you."

 

[aum]

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

 

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

 

The little boy replied, "Chips and beer."

 

[aum]

1.  Marriages  are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.     
2.  After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each  other, but, they still stay together.   3.  Married  life is very frustrating.  In the first year  of marriage, the man speaks and the woman  listens.  In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they  both speak and the neighbors listen..     
4. When a  man opens the door of his car for his wife, you  can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.     
5.  Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which  one.     
6.  Before  marriage, a man will lie awake all night  thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.     
7.  Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only 1 wife.  
8.  They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before  marriage, that is love. After marriage, that is self-defense.     
9.  A wife becomes a “sex object” when every time the  husband asks for sex she objects!       
10.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.       
11.  There  are two  four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and  “stop”,  unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).
12.  Marriage  is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s  Degree.
13.  In  marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her  husband.
14.  Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
15.  There  are 3 stages of sex in a married life: Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.
16.  LOVE is a  long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.
17.  When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
18.  Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a life sentence.

 

 

[aum]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

 

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

 

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

 

[aum]

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

 

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you sure those boots are not yours?"

 

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

 

[aum]

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

 

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

 

[aum]

The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”

Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”

 

The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”

 

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

 

After listening he replies, “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!”

[aum]

Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.

One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”

One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.

 

They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”

Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”

 

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison, “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”