[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

Mr. Johnson had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His appointment was for 9:00 and it was nearly 10:30. Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door and said, "Let's go get a room."

"Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said, "but I've been waiting so long I'd hate to lose my spot now!

 

 

[aum]

Police officer: “Your truck is heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”

Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce, tops!”

 

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

 

The boy is wearing a firefighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

 

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.

 

“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.

 

“Thanks,” says the little boy.

 

As the firefighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

 

“Little partner,” the firefighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

 

The little boy says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

 

[ducky88]

A genie appears and offers a golfer three wishes.
“The only catch,” says the genie, “is that whatever you wish for, your wife will receive 10 times over.”
“OK,” the guy says. “I want to be the best golfer in the world.”
The genie blinks and suddenly the guy can feel a new golf swing — the grip, the takeaway, the power.
“You can now crush every golfer in the world,” the genie says, “except your wife, who’s gonna beat you like a drum.”
The guy is a little bummed about that, so for his second wish he asks to be the world’s richest man.
“It’s done,” says the genie. “But don’t forget that your wife can now buy and sell you 10 times over. One wish left.”

“OK,” the guy says. “For my last wish, I’d like to have a mild heart attack.”

[Karlston]

[vitorio]

A blonde calls a tow truck company, pleading with them because she’s locked her keys in the car.

The operator says they understand, it happens all the time. They’re actually quite busy with calls but they can have someone to her location in about an hour and a half.

She says, “Oh no! Can’t you get someone here faster? I left the top down and it looks like it’s going to start raining!”

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

During Sunday mass, the priest asked the crowd:
"How many of you forgave your enemies?"
Around 80% of them raised their hands. The priest then asked: "And how many of you intend to forgive your enemies?"

Almost everyone's hand was now in the air. Everyone except a feeble, old lady in the front row.
"Ms. Rogers, don't you intend on forgiving your enemies?"
"I don't have any!", she replied through a chuckle.
"Ms. Rogers, that's very unusual, how old are you?"
"98", she proclaimed.
"Oh, Ms. Rogers, why don't you come up and share the secret with everyone? How does someone live to be 98 and no enemies?"
She walked up and gave everyone a polite smile before answering: -"I outlived the bitches."

[aum]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

 

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him.

 

“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 interstate. Please be careful!”

 

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”

 

[aum]

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

 

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

 

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.

 

"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

 

[aum]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

 

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

 

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

 

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

 

[danielson]

Never date a tennis player.

 

Love means nothing to them.

 

-spotted on a tweet.

[ducky88]

I went for a job interview,
"Can you tell me two positive things about yourself?" Asked the interviewer.
"Yes, " I replied. "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."
"Can you give me an example?" said the interviewer.

"Of course, " I answered, "when do I start?"

[aum]

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,
“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,“I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.

The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

 

The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

 

[aum]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

 

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

 

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

 

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

 

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

 

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

 

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

 

“I found the remote,” he said.

[aum]

Don't drill through your skull!  It will bore you out of your mind

 

 

[aum]

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

 

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

 

[Karlston]

Being a escapee and on the run I found a small forrested area in a large park in which to hide.

 

During the night a tree fell and pinned me to the ground. Fortunately this morning the council Tree Surgeon came through the area inspecting dangerous trees like the one that fell and trapped me.

 

Being the good guy that he was he quickly grabbed his saw and freed me.

 

Unfortunately he is now in trouble with the law for arboring a fugitive.

[ducky88]

 

I answered an advert,

'Wanted, someone to stroke my long golden hair and to enjoy long walks on the beaches or through the woods.

I want to have dinners with you and spend all night cuddled up to you. I want to gaze at you as you sleep,

I will be there for you to help guide you through your life.'

Any way, I'm picking up my golden retriever puppy next week.

[aum]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

 

"Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

 

The next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

 

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

 

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

 

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!"

 

[aum]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

 

You all have obsessions," he observed.

 

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

 

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

 

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

 

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

 

[vitorio]

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, "Disneyland Left."

So they started crying and went home.

[ducky88]

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."

He knocks on wood for good luck.

He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[aum]

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman, then, POW! It was all gone!"

 

"What happened?," asked the friend.

 

"My wife found out..."