[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.
While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.
The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."

[aum]

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".

 

The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

 

After they finish, the guy says, "Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra Estate."
"My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The f**ker was a window cleaner."

[aum]

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

 

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

 

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?"
she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him"
she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues,

running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers:

"there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

[aum]

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

 

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!

 

He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

 

The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"

 

[aum]

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don’t have a curfew.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne.

Life is great.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.

People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.

Now they drink like their fathers.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is… ” I don’t have to write that down, I’ll remember it”.

I don’t have gray hair… I have “wisdom highlights”! I’m just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

Now, I’m wondering… did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

 

[aum]

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

 

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

 

“That laundry is not very clean,” she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

 

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

 

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

 

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?”

 

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

[aum]

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, “Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?”

 

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

 

The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, “No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

 

The pro says, “Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

 

The Priest says, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.

 

Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you.”

[Karlston]

[aum]

A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.

 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

 

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.

 

 

[ducky88]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I Kept staring at a woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on Celebrating that long!!!'

[aum]

Occasionally you hear about a really dry spell in Texas.

I always thought the stories exaggerated until I got a birthday card last week.

They attached the stamp with a staple.

 

 

[ducky88]

One morning Dan told his wife that he was going to play golf. She told him that it was fine, but he needed to fix the leak in the kitchen sink first.
Dan pointed to his forehead and said, “Do I have plumber written on my forehead?”
He went on to play golf.
The next day Dan told his wife he was going to play golf and she told him that it was fine, but first he needed to fix the ceiling fan.
Dan pointed to his forehead and said, ” Do I have electrician written on my forehead?”
He went on to play golf.
When he returned, the leak was fixed and the fan was working. Dan asked his wife who did the repairs and she told him the next-door neighbor came over and fixed both.
Dan asked how much he charged and the wife said, “He told me I could sleep with him or bake him a cake.”
Dan asked, “Did he like the cake?”

His wife responded, “Do I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

[Karlston]

[aum]

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.

 

"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.

 

"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!"

 

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"

 

[aum]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

 

They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.

 

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

 

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

 

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

 

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

 

[Karlston]

You do not need a parachute to go skydiving.

 

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

[ducky88]

Frank the farmer had a nagging wife
She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.
One day while in the field, Frank's wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Frank's old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.
At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down.

But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, "Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?"
Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down.

And all the men asked, "Is that donkey for sale?”

[aum]

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

 

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"

 

Joe answered the correct airline.

 

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

 

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

 

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

 

And John answered, "Mom...."

 

 

[aum]

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out."

"I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said."

"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don’t stand up in the car!"

 

[aum]

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again.

 

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

 

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

 

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

 

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

 

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

 

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

 

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

 

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

 

[ducky88]

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?" he asked.
"Terrific, wonderful menus." says the old man.
"And the nursing?" inquired the young man.
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock, they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving my 85-year-old grandfather Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse.
"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep,

and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."