[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Cindy has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!”

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Alien couple came down to earth and went to a swingers party.

They swap partners and go to respective bedrooms.

The alien man takes his clothes off revealing a one inch penis.

The woman says, "I'm not impressed"... The alien then twists his right ear and his penis grows to ten inches.

"Now I'm impressed" says the woman... The alien then twists his left ear and his penis becomes two inches thick

and he gives the woman the best she has ever had.

She meets up with her husband later and asks how was it for you...?

 

Her hubby said, "heck all she did was keep twisting my frigging ears.

 

[aum]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

 

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

 

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

 

[aum]

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.

 

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

 

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth.

 

 

[aum]

A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light.

The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!”

The officer calmly told him of his violation.

 

The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms.

The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put “AH” in corner and then handed it to the man to sign.

 

The man demanded to know what “AH” meant.

The officer stared straight into his eyes and said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you were such an a$shole!” and then returned to his cruiser.

 

The violator’s a bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him.

 

The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, “Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don’t normally make?”

“Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there’s an underlined ‘AH.'”

“What does ‘AH’ stand for, officer?”

“Aggressive and hostile, sir.”

“Aggressive and hostile?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for ‘A$shole’?”

 

The officer grinned, “Well, sir, you know your client better than I!”

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Headache

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."

"Gotcha!"

[aum]

Why were the horses so happy?

 

Because they lived in a stable environment.

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications.

[aum]

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager’s office.

“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years’ experience. Now we discover this is the first job you’ve ever had.”

 

“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”

 

 

[aum]

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

 

[aum]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the breweries decide to go to the pub for a drink.

 

The Coors' President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."

The bartender gave him the drink.

 

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."

The bartender proceeds with the order.

 

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."

The bartender gives him an Amstel.

 

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."

The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

 

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"

 

He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."

 

Edited September 23, 2021 by aum

[aum]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

 

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

[Rainmaker]

 

 

 

// R

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A woman entered her kitchen and found her boyfriend waving a fly swatter. “What in heaven's name are you up to?" she asked.
"Killing flies," he said.
"Oh. Get any?"
"Yep, two males, three females," he answered.
"Oh come on! How do you tell them apart?"

"Two were on a beer can, three were on the phone."

[aum]

Success is relative.

 

The more success, the more relatives!

 

[aum]

The man credited with inventing the personal computer has died, due to a failure of his life support machine.

 

His last words were, "Have you tried switching it off and on again?"

 

[aum]

A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

 

"Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."

 

[aum]

A 55-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches.

 

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5.

The judge then said, "I will give you 5 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said," What is it? "

 

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

 

[Karlston]