[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

My local council came knocking on my door asking for donations for a new swimming pool.

 

I gave them a glass of water.

[ducky88]

I walked into the bakery and said to the cashier,

"I've just bought a sandwich from you, I took one bite and 2 teeth fell out."
"Maybe you bit down too hard?" she replied.

 

…...."They're not my frigging teeth!!

[aum]

A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.

 

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

 

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

 

[aum]

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

 

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

 

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

 

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

 

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

 

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".

 

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

 

[aum]

A Colombian, Russian, Arab and a Punjabi were in a discussion during an Antique Collectors’ Dinner.

 

Colombian Drug Lord: “I have loads of money…. I want to buy the world’s 10 rarest pens.”

 

Russian: “I am a billionaire… I want to buy the world’s 20 most highly valued antique watches.”

 

Arab: “That’s nothing! I am a rich prince… I intend to purchase the world’s top 50 Vintage cars.”

 

Then they wait for the Punjabi to speak.

 

He sips his whisky, bites into his chicken leg piece, places the glass neatly on the table, takes a bite again, back with hands on the head and softly says, “I am not selling.”

 

[aum]

An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.

 

While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress. She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.

 

He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.

 

“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.”

 

“Try further down,” she said.

 

At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect ass.”

 

“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the necklace.”

 

[Karlston]

What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill?

 

A lambslide.

[ducky88]

My girlfriend found out that I'm married.
"I can't believe this!" she screamed, "We've been together for five years and you didn't think to tell me?"
"I knew it would upset you, So I just didn't say anything."
"How long have you been married for then?" she asked.

"Six months"

[aum]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.

It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.

She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

 

 

[aum]

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

 

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

 

The little girl replied, "My homework."

 

[Wolfano]

Harry was stunned to come home from work one evening and find his wife stuffing all her belongings into a suitcase.

"What on earth are you doing?" he cried.

"I can't stand it anymore!" she shrieked. "Thirty-two years we've been married, and all we do is bicker and quarrel and ignore each other. I'm leaving!"

Harry watched his wife close the suitcase, lug it down the stairs, and proceed to walk out of the house... out of his life.

Suddenly, he was galvanized into action. Running into the bedroom and grabbing a second suitcase, he yelled back at his wife, "Sylvia, you're right, you're absolutely right, and I can't bear it either. Wait a minute, and I'll go with you."

[Karlston]

I didn’t feel like cooking last night, so I made a sandwich for dinner.

 

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

 

I guess more just grain.

 

Fermented grain.

 

Distilled, fermented grain.

 

Well ok, yeah, I had whisky for dinner last night.

[ducky88]

A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD?”

 

Granny replies: ” The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”

[aum]

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

 

The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
 

[aum]

Q: How did the bishop make holy water?

A: He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son. Her boy kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me.

After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics, so I said,

"When I was young, my mother told me that if I made an ugly face and the wind changed, I'd stay that way."

 

The little s**t replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

 

 

[aum]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of the Granville Christian Church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

 

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

 

“Why yes,” she replied, “Every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”

 

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

 

The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”

 

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; What does he do for a living?”

 

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

 

“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said.

 

“Where does he practice?”

 

The old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”

 

[aum]

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

 

The first says, “My son is so successful, he’s VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. “

 

The second says, ” That’s nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house.”

 

The third says, “Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet.”

 

They look expectantly at the last guy who says, “My son is a gay escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients.”

 

[aum]

A man finds a wallet with $700 in it. A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $50 reward to anyone who returns it. He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, “I see you have already taken your reward.”

 

The poor man responds, “What are you talking about?”

 

The wealthy man continues, “This wallet had $750 in it when I lost it.”

 

The two men begin arguing, and eventually they go to court to sort out their differences. Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, “Your Honor, I trust you believe me.”

 

The Judge says, “Of course.” The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Judge takes the wallet out of the wealthy man’s hands and gives it to the poor man who found it. “What are you doing?” the rich man yells angrily.

 

The Judge responds, “You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $750 in it, I’m sure it did – but if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn’t have returned it at all, which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he’ll get the money – otherwise, it stays with the man who found it.”

 

“What about my money?” the rich man asks.

 

“Well, we’ll just have to wait until somebody finds your wallet with the $750 in it.

 

[aum]

One winter morning, a husband and wife in Detroit, MI were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.” So, the good wife went out and moved her car.

 

A week later, while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.” The good wife went out and moved her car again.

 

The next week, they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” Then, the electric went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face, she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”

 

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

 

[aum]

On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.

 

“Certainly, sir. That’ll be 1 cent.”

“One single penny?!” exclaimed the man.

The barman replied, “Yes, sir. Just one penny.”

 

As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”

 

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender.

“But all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

“Four cents,” he replies.

“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy.

 

“Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

 

The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

 

 

[aum]

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.

But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

 

One time she was sitting next to a man.

When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

 

After a while, he turned to her and asked: “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”

The lady replied “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”

 

He said “Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.”

He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”

The lady said “Well I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.”

 

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

 

“Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.

[aum]

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

 

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

 

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

 

“Customer feedback.”

[Karlston]