[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

BREAKING NEWS

 

A man has been attacked at a local pharmacy by a 46-year old man armed with a bottle of Omega 3 capsules.

 

The victim has been taken to hospital with super fish oil injuries.

[aum]

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?"

His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you."

The man goes, "Are my children here?"

"Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

 

And they say, "Yes, we are all here."

The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

 

[aum]

One day, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

 

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels and stick 'em on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

 

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

 

"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

 

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "Have you boys been drinking?"

 

"No sir," replied Earl. "We're on the patch!"

 

[ducky88]

Started a new job as a delivery man today.
When i got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying "Dear Mr Delivery Man, we are out, please hide in garage".

That was eight hours ago and still nobody has found me.

[Karlston]

Toasters were the first example of pop-up notifications.

[aum]

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

 

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

 

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"

 

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

 

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

 

[ducky88]

 

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"
"I bought it today," he says.
"With what money?" says his mother.
They knew what a new F150 cost.
"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
The father looks at him like he's crazy.
"Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says.
"It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on."
So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
"Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back."
"Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?"
"Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."

[Karlston]

[Krinal]

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

[aum]

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

 

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

 

 

[aum]

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says lil' Johnny.

 

 

[aum]

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

 

The mother agrees.

 

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

 

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

 

"I don't like her."

 

[Karlston]

A weasel walks into a bar.

 

The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"

 

"Pop," goes the weasel.

[ducky88]

I know this is a joke topic, but I am asking people on every possible forum to wish me luck!!

I am on my way to speak to the bank manager, and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed....I'm talking millions here!!!

 

I am so excited I can barely get the stocking over my head!!

[aum]

This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.

 

An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”.

 

The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.

 

“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.

 

 

[Karlston]

I got my wife a refrigerator for her birthday.

 

You may not think it's much of a gift but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

[ducky88]

Sister Bernadette lived in a convent a few hundred yards from Wayne's liquor store. One day she went in and asked Wayne for a bottle of brandy.
He said, "I'm sorry, Sister Bernadette, I can't sell brandy to a nun."
"But it's for the Mother Superior," she explained. "It helps with her constipation."
Hearing this, Wayne relented and sold her the brandy. On his way home that night, he saw Sister Bernadette staggering drunkenly along the road.
"Sister Bernadette!" he exclaimed. "Shame on you! You told me the brandy was for the Mother Superior constipation."
"And so it is," said Sister Bernadette. "When she sees the state I'm in, she's going to s**t herself!"

 

[Karlston]

I got my wife a world map for her birthday and gave her a dart.

 

I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on holiday when this pandemic is over.

 

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

[ducky88]

A weeping woman burst into her hypnotherapist’s office and declared, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair!

The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shook his head. “Not again …”

 

[aum]

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

 

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

 

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

 

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

 

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

 

[Karlston]

I'd like to start a diet, but I've got too much on my plate right now.

[ducky88]

I walked into my 12 year old son's room and caught him browsing porn sites.

"What the hell are you doing you stupid boy!" I shouted,

"Use Google Chrome not Internet Explorer!"

 

[aum]

A guy goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. He doesn't know which one to get, so he just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. He says, "Excuse me, Sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

 

He says, "Sir, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." The guy didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

 

He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."

 

The guy says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

 

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the guy farts. At first he is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was him. Being blind, the salesman wouldn't know that he was the only other person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

 

The guy says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes sir, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

 

[aum]

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

 

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

 

[Karlston]

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

 

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

 

“I’m from Ireland.”

 

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

 

“Grew up in Wexford.”

 

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

 

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?”

 

“I went to St Peters Secondary”

 

“ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?”

 

“1979”

 

“1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!”

 

Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?”

 

To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”