[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

Emergency
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees!
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone! He yelled, "Mayday, mayday!

The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before
we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory!
I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph!
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!"
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!"
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast! So how do you know you’re flying upside down?”
Aircraft: “The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!!"

[aum]

A man and his wife attended a dinner party at the home of their friends. Near the end of the meal, the wife reprimanded her husband. "That's the third time you've gone for dessert," she scolded. "The hostess must think you're selfish and an absolute pig."

 

"I don't think so," he said. "I've been telling her it's for you."

 

 

[aum]

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

 

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

 

[aum]

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

 

Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

 

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop..The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush..About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

 

[Krinal]

Do you drink? Girl's father asked Santa.

Santa says " first tell me whether it's a question or invitation?"

[aum]

Welcome back @Krinal. 

---------------------------

 

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

 

"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

 

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

 

"Fishin', sir."

 

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

 

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

 

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

 

[aum]

Pam: My husband is a great handyman. He can repair almost anything.

Alisa: My mother always taught me to beware of the man that can fix everything. You'll never get anything new.

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Have you heard of the Fukawi tribe?
They are all 3 foot tall and live in long grass which is 4 foot high.
They spend all their time jumping up and down shouting "We're the Fukawi! We're the Fukawi!"

[aum]

Police officer talks to a driver: "Your tail light is broken, your tires must be changed, and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars!"

 

[Pause]

 

Driver: "Alright, go ahead and do it. They want twice as much as that at the garage."

[aum]

Customer: “I can’t seem to connect to the Internet.”

Tech Support: “All right. What operating system are you running?”

Customer: “Netscape.”

 

Tech Support: “No, what version of Windows are you using?”

 

Customer: “Uhhh…Hewlett Packard?”

 

Tech Support: “No, right click on ‘My Computer’ and select properties on the menu.”

Customer: “Your computer? It’s my computer!”

 

[aum]

Before Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.

 

 

[aum]

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

 

[Karlston]

My only talent is sleeping.

 

I can do it with my eyes closed.

[ducky88]

It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

 

[aum]

Husband throwing darts at his wife's photo and not even a single throw hitting the target.

From another room the wife calls, "Honey, what are you doing?"

 

Husband: "MISSING YOU..."

 

[Krinal]

Judge: Why did you shoot your Wife instead of shooting her lover?

Husband: Your Honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week

[Karlston]

My therapist told me to write letters to everyone who’s hurt me then burn them.

 

I’ve done that.

 

Now what do I do with the letters?

[ducky88]

The pianist
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter
The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?"
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto.
"Where on earth did you get that?" asked the surprised bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here - rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish - just one," said the genie.
The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later a duck walks into the bar.
Another duck, then another soon follows it.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says,
"You know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The man replies, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist???"

[aum]

I came home from work last night exhausted. I said to my wife, "I need my glasses checked. I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death."

Perplexed, the wife asked, "What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death?"

"I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work the whole time!"

 

 

[aum]

Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies ... "No matter what!"

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"

The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"

The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"

 

[aum]

Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

 

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

 

He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

 

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, "What's wrong?"

 

The first guy says, "Small world!"

 

[aum]

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

- Anna one, Anna two...