[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

Your lips are so chapped, I can hear you smile.

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A policeman pulled me over yesterday. "I couldn't help but notice you swerving all over the road, sir. Would you mind telling me how much you've had to drink?"

"Oh I'm sorry officer, it was my dog acting up. It won't happen again."
The policeman glanced over to the dog in the passenger seat, "That's a nice dog you've got there. What kind is he?"
"He's a guide dog." I said...

[aum]

My nephew came over the other day and he was wearing a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, and gloves.

He said, "I'm gonna ride my bike!"

I said, "Where? Through a minefield?"

 

[aum]

In the back woods, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

 

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

 

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

 

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

 

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

 

[Karlston]

Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket.

 

It's a Government plot to erase your memory.

 

I went for a carton of milk and a loaf of bread and came home with a case of beer and twelve bottles of wine.

[ducky88]

Two Irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.
Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.
One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out!
"Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads.
"I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully."
Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!"
"Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer.
The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"

[aum]

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.

 

As one shook the minister’s hand, he said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, I bet you’re smarter than Einstein.

 

”Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!”

 

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he though, the more the wondered why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So the following Sunday he asked the man, “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?

 

”The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you.”

 

[aum]

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

 

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

 

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz."

 

So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

 

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

 

The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

 

"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

 

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "

 

"What's that?"

 

"Did you fart yet?"

 

"No . . . "

 

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."

 

[Karlston]

Don't buy flowers from a monk…

 

…only you can prevent florist friars.

[aum]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

 

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

 

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously.

 

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'  

 

[ducky88]

Have you ever woke up kissed the person sleeping beside you and been glad that you are alive?

I did and now they tell me I will never be allowed on this airline again

[aum]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

 

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Christmas morning."

 

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

 

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

 

Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

 

They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take your sweater, looks like it might be windy out there'."

 

[Karlston]

I called my local recycling centre about what to do with old batteries.

 

They said they'd take them free of charge.

[ducky88]

Paddy is at the airport with a sack over each shoulder and when he is stopped at customs they find that both sacks are full of mobile phones.

When asked why; Paddy said, "Well, while I was on my travels in America, I got a phone call from my mate Murphy in Cork and he told me that he is starting up a jazz band and could I bring him back two saxophones."

[aum]

Muggins: "Yes, I'm living out in the country now. It certainly has it inconveniences."

Buggins: "What do you miss most?"

Muggins: "The last train home at night."

 

 

[aum]

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”

 

[aum]

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

 

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

[aum]

An important executive was telling friends at his country club about some of his life experiences:

 

“So I bought this yacht that could carry fifty people and I took it out for a maiden voyage and it hit a reef and sunk.”
“Then I bought an airplane and on the first flight it hit another plane on the field and burned up.”
“Then I married this beautiful blonde and no sooner did I get home than I found her fooling around with the chauffeur and I had to divorce her.”

“So what’s the moral?” one of the others asked.

 

“Clear as a bell,” said the old man.
“If it swims, flies, or fxcks, ….lease it, …don’t buy it.”

[aum]

Randy was in the hospital for a complete check-up.

At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it.
At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.
Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Randy turned down the soup, so they gave up.

In preparation for the next day’s test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.

 

When Randy got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, “Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it!

If you refuse it, they sneak in while you’re asleep and shove it up your ass!

[aum]

Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him.

 

"Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. "Ah... no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."

"No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get In!"

Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

 

Just then, the driver's face softened.

"Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park and I want yours."

 

 

[Karlston]

Someone stole my Limbo Trophy

 

How low can you go?

 

---

 

My favourite colour is purple.

 

I like it more than blue and red combined...

[ducky88]

I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper...
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

[aum]

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

 

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[Karlston]

Comic Sans, Arial, and Sans Serif walk into a bar.

 

Before they can order a drink the bartender yells...

 

"Get out, we don't serve your type here!"