[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.:
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian,“and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”. Brian... was stunned : “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away” : St Peter replied, “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen. ”Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,
he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
”This isn’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” It’s not so bad, replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.” Never,” replies Brian. “Well just relax and let it happen.” And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first
time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him… ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
“Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re s**tting in the bed.”

[aum]

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

 

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.

 

The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

 

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat , and shot the canary."

 

 

[Karlston]

I turned down a job at the ice cream shop.

 

I wouldn't work on Sundaes.

[ducky88]

In a small parish there lived a spinster woman who was getting on in age. Being a prudent woman, she decided she would make all her funeral arrangements so when the time came, everything would be the way she wanted. So she talked to the pastor of her church, arranged the music, the readings, the flowers, the tea that would follow. She chose her plot, and had picked out and paid for her casket, so gave the pastor the details on that. Then she spoke about the tombstone. Being a devout lady, and still a virgin, and proud of that, she wanted “Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin, back with god” inscribed on the headstone. The pastor said he could arrange everything for her, and so things were set up to the old lady’s satisfaction. She was content. Several years later, having reached a good age, she passed quietly in her sleep.

The pastor followed her wishes, and the funeral was held, the music, the readings, the flowers, the tea all as she had asked. After the service, he contacted two Scots stone masons and told them what she had wanted inscribed on her tombstone. They took the job, but being thrifty souls, thought the words were unnecessarily long, and would take too much time. They thought they could do better…and did. When the headstone was presented, they had carved into the stone: “RETURNED UNOPENED”.

[aum]

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer.

 

The bartender says, “What’s wrong, pal? You look down.”

 

The guy sighs and says, “I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn’t talk to me for a whole month.”

 

The bartender says, “Gee, that’s too bad. When does that start?”

 

“Start? Today’s the last day.”

[aum]

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”

 

I said, “Not at all.”

 

He said, “Kiss?”

 

I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel.”

[aum]

An American tourist arrived in Rome and boarded a taxi to tour the city.

 

The driver then took him to the front of the famous Colosseum. Surprised, the tourist asked what it was, and the driver proudly said that it was the Colosseum.

 

The tourist then asked the driver how long it took to build it, and the driver replied that it might have taken a few years. On hearing that, the tourist smiled and said that it would only take a year to build the Colosseum in America.

 

Their next stop was the Pantheon. The surprised tourist then asked what it was and how long it took to build it. The taxi driver noted that it was the Pantheon, and it took about a year to build it.

 

The tourist then replied mockingly, “Ah, in America we can build it in just one month!”

 

So, the taxi driver became nervous but continued to drive the tourist around town. Finally, he drove him to the front of San Pietro in Vatican City. The tourist asked him what it was, and the driver said, “I do not know. Yesterday it was not there!”

 

 

[aum]

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

 

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

 

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, “I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

 

“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

[andy2004]

Dont get it.. We all know politician's are a bunch of lying ...... fill in your own..

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

[aum]

I phoned up the fishing helpline today. I said, “I’m really hopeless at fishing and need some tips.

 

The man said, “Okay, can you hold the line?”

 

I said, “No.”

 

 

[aum]

The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.

 

"The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women."

 

"Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. "What's second best?"

 

[aum]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

 

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

 

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

 

The second nun said, " Well, I can top that, I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

 

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

 

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

 

The third nun said, "Oh shit!"

 

[Karlston]

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.

 

You have my Word.

[aum]

My boss told me to have a good day, so i went home.

 

[aum]

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good?

 

Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

[ducky88]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see
"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"s**t," shouted Claude.
It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.

[aum]

“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.

 

She said, “Wear your own then.”

 

[Karlston]

The person who invented the shovel should be applauded.

 

It really was a ground breaking discovery.

[aum]

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

 

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

[ducky88]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”
“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.”
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied.
Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted.
“And what did she say to you this morning?”
“Don’t stop.”