[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

Fire services in Paris have found a suspicious package in Notre Dame Cathedral, but it just contained a Cheese and Tomato sandwich, a packet of crisps, an apple and a carton of orange juice
It was the Lunchpack of Notre Dame.

 

[Karlston]

Learning to pick locks opened a lot of doors for me.

[aum]

As a kid, I got lectured for only doing the bare minimum to complete a task.

As an engineer, I get paid to do just that.

 

[aum]

 

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

 

[ducky88]

Crashed my car today and ended up between two houses.

In the left house lived Mr and Mrs Smith and in the right house lived Mr and Mrs Ball.

Luckily I was dragged out by the Smiths!!

[Karlston]

I was asked out by 20 women last night...

 

... of the women's bathroom, admittedly.

[aum]

Studies have found that if women sleep for 8 to 10 hours daily, there is a significant decrease in hypertension and diabetes.

 

In their husbands!

[ducky88]

An African chief who lived in a grass house was very popular with his tribe
So much so that each year his tribe presented him with a new throne.
Having nowhere to put them all, he got his subjects to build an upper storage in his grass hut.
Unfortunately it could not support all this weight, and collapsed killing the chief.
The moral being don`t stow thrones in grass houses.

 

[aum]

Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?

 

The thief was spending less than his wife.

 

[aum]

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.

 

As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "Boeing! Boeing!! Boeing!!!" She forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise.

Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot.

She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "Oeing! Oeing! Oeing!"

 

[Karlston]

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

 

So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

[aum]

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

 

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

 

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here and he's the only one who counts."

 

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

 

 

Edited July 23, 2021 by aum

[aum]

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.

 

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

 

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."

 

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

 

"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

 

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

 

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

 

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

 

[aum]

Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.

 

Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.

It was a card. On it was written, "Yes, we do clean under here, too."

 

[Karlston]

I just found out my girlfriend is a ghost.

 

To be honest, I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

[ducky88]

A very nice innocent Australian woman wanted to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Tommy Greer, who has lived his whole life in the Australian outback and has had no experience with women. They meet, and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other, and they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom and prepares for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom she finds her husband standing in the middle of the room-naked. All the furniture is piled in one corner. “What’s going on?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman” he says. “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m going to need all the room I can get!”

 

[aum]

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: "You must be single?”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that?”

 

Cashier: “Because you’re not that good looking.”

 

[aum]

The study of farts, aka anus sneeziology.

 

 

[ducky88]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin
when she met up with Father Flaherty
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye
Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer' Hoosband
couple 'a years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye' did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and
I'll light a fertility candle for ye' and yer' hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well
now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye' any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten wee ones in all!'
The Father said, 'Oh, that's wonderful!
And how's yer' loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer' fookin' candle!'

[Karlston]

[aum]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

 

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

 

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

 

Edited July 25, 2021 by aum

[Karlston]

I haven't kept up my subscription to Scrabble Club.

 

Now they've started sending me threatening letters.

[ducky88]

A rich Arab is throwing one of his wild parties. In his palace he has a few swimming pools. But in one of them, he filled with alligators, piranhas and snakes.
The Arab host announces that if anyone could swim across the pool, he would to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.
Nobody is up to the challenge, so everyone just continues partying and having a good time.
Suddenly, there is this big splash! Everybody looks and sees a man in the pool, and to every ones amazement, he makes it across safely!
The host walks over to the man, congratulates him and says, "WOW, you made it!. What are your 3 wishes?"
The man replies, "First, I want you to give me a shotgun!"
So the Arab host orders his servant to go his gun collection and get a shotgun to give the man.
"Second", says the man, "give me shotgun shells!"
Again the Arab hosts orders his servant to get shotgun shells to give the man.
"Third" says the man, "Give me the bastard who pushed me into that pool!"

[aum]

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

 

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

 

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

 

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

 

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

 

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

 

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

 

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

 

[aum]

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.

 

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

 

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."